Now A Family of Four.

Mr. Squishypants

2012-01-17T22:13:00.001-05:00

I certainly can't call Charlie "Mr. Squishypants" anymore. Little guy turned four today! At times I can't believe how fast it's gone... and there are times when I feel like he's always been a part of our life. He's such a joy-bringer to our family. Watching him figure out the world is so much fun. From being a shocker pregnancy, to a shocker birth, this boy has grown to be quite a light for us. Happy birthday, Charlie-boy!

Finding balance

2012-01-15T19:30:00.001-05:00

So, I mentioned in the previous post that I was working on bringing about balance between work and school. This weekend didn't count, though, because I had a ton of work to catch up on from when I was MIA. Otherwise, this week I did pretty good - although when at home and I thought of something from work, I had to consciously push it to the back of my mind. That's hard work!

I knew that something was going to give, though, as soon as I signed Charlie up for swim lessons. Roman has therapy on Mondays, neurofeedback on Tuesdays along with tang soo do for Doug and Charlie, and now Charlie with swim on Wednesdays. And with the perspective that comes from being at home with no pressure from anywhere, I knew what had to give.

I resigned my position as swim coach on Friday.

Every other year we have "late" practice, which means 4:45-6pm. I wouldn't be able to do anything else, and I can't ask Doug to leave work early every day for 6 weeks. My family life comes first. Now, I know this might be a "duh" for most people, but it has taken me many weeks to get to this point. I talked with Doug, a coworker, another swim coach, and my principal. Did a lot of thinking about my emotions during the season and how I would feel not having the swim season anymore. I love coaching swim almost as much as I love teaching. And I would have had the opportunity to truly shape the practices & routines the way I wanted, as one of the other veteran coaches on the team has decided to quit. But my sanity - and my family's calm & center - would be completely gone.

In the long run, the kids I coach will be less affected by me quitting than my own children would be by my continuing to coach. And that sealed it.

I will be in the "helping & training" role this year, attending practices when I can, meets when I can, and helping behind the scenes with the computer program for lineups and paperwork (and getting paid under the table for it by one of the other coaches - the deal's already been made). But that gives me the leeway to take my boys where they need to be without guilt, and doing things on my own terms. And then next year, done. As of now, the decision makes me sad and feeling a bit empty - but also a whole lot less stressed.

What 5 weeks off work taught me

2012-01-10T21:48:00.002-05:00

It has been an interesting break from work that I've completed. 3 weeks away from the classroom, and then another 2 weeks of break. A relative told me that there was a reason why it would happen during the school year and to go with the flow. Of all school years, this has been the most frustrating to me so I do find it interesting my medical needs came up when they did.

In the break I found that I really like being at home. Of course, there was a lot to do - Christmas shopping & the like - and I could get that all done while the kids were at school. Once I could stand for more than 10 minutes at a time, cooking was (almost) fun because I had the time to plan ahead and everything was ready. I could do things for my family and for myself, and thus evenings were more relaxed (and Doug!) because there wasn't laundry, dishes, medicine to pick up, presents to wrap, etc. hanging over us.

But I can see that staying home all the time would be hard on my brain. I like people, I like conversing, and the checkout lady at Kroger's just doesn't cut it. But on the other hand, I'd have the time to join groups; I could read a book for book groups, go see artsy films and do discussions at the library, women's Bible study at church, and an idea I've been toying with lately - teach digital scrapbook classes. I could cart the boys to their ever-growing list of places (therapy, swim lessons, etc) and be completely relaxed about it.

So why don't I quit? That brings up a whole different host of issues. I love working with my students, first and foremost. I love the subject I teach. I enjoy most of my coworkers and count a small number as personal friends as well. I like the challenge of getting an idea across to students; learning new strategies and trying them out in the classroom. The kids make me laugh daily with their dramas & observations on life.

A perfect world would be converting to part-time again. That is definitely a consideration I'm keeping in the back of my mind. Within a couple years I suspect there will be a few more retirements and perhaps I can negotiate. The best would be the first 3 morning classes of 8th graders; I would still have lunch with coworkers, I'd be done by noon, and have the afternoon to myself. I'd be totally willing to stay on the days we had meetings, because I could do planning and grading on those days. What a fantasy...

All this ruminating has led me to think hard on a comment a coworker-friend made, when I explained all this (but more briefly) to her. She said, "It makes you rethink how much work you put into work, doesn't it?" I guess I can't do it all. So the next few months I will strive to balance my physical work and my mental work; try to keep my mental work at school especially, because sometimes all I can think about when I get home is all the stuff I have to do at work. Hopefully if I can do this, then home life will be calmer as well. Until we win the lottery, that is. More is in the works at school to help me bring about balance, but I can't really mention it right now as it's not "official." So there's a teaser to keep ya'll coming back.

Roman's progress

2012-01-08T15:42:00.003-05:00

(note to self: update the blog page! It's not Christmas anymore!)

2012 is bringing interesting changes on the mental health front. At the end of December our weekly therapist, D, and I agreed that we have gone as far as possible in respect to learning strategies to help Roman (both on parental and his own part). there is one big thing left for him to deal with - his story. Roman does not like to talk about his birth or the fact that he was abandoned. He will talk about Russia; occasionally let slip that he thinks about his birthfamily; but when it comes to facing the hard truths, he gets very dysregulated. So that is our goal over the next 2-3 months - he will be creating a physical timeline of his life with ALL the details that we can put together between what we know, what his paperwork said, and what Doug & I gleaned when we were in Russia. It's going to be hard, intensive work for Roman but necessary.

Our visit to D last week brought the introduction of the timeline idea to Roman, as well as the confidential announcement to Doug and I that she has decided to retire effective end of May. This dovetails well with our plan (or was the plan made to dovetail with her announcement?) and so we have decided to not tell Roman that she is retiring; we will "graduate" him instead. I feel strongly that Roman needs to earn his way out of therapy rather than feel like he is being left. This was something Doug and I had worried would happen earlier in therapy, so we actually feel some relief that she stayed until Roman could wrap things up. When April arrives, we will drop to maybe every-other-week appointments, and then do a couple "check in" appointments, and then he will be done.

Does this mean Roman is all healed? Not by a long shot. We have been encouraged to continue with neurofeedback, which we will for another 18 sessions or so (we pay 20 at a time). We have also been encouraged to seek out some Occupational Therapy for Roman regarding some sensory work. There are little things that we've always noticed; he doesn't sense his own pressure (like presses too hard when writing and breaks the pencil lead); he has always had trouble sensing his body functions (whether his stomach or bladder is full or empty, etc). We also are going to request an OT evaluation at school so we have in writing some of the suggestions made and also what strategies his teacher has already put in place. Toward the end of April we want to ask D's coworker, L (school psychologist) to do another, shorter, workup on Roman to see how he stands regarding his ADHD, attachment issues, anxiety, etc.

After all this, will he be healed? No. He will need medication for his bipolar disorder the rest of his life, and we will all need to continue the strategies we've learned to help him stay regulated and successful. As Roman grows older D predicts social issues may bring about the need for therapy again, as well as developmental hormones that could wreak havoc on the bipolar medication. Roman has made some great strides however, and we're proud of the work that he (and us!) have put in to get him mentally healthy.

Martha vs. Me

2011-12-18T21:45:00.001-05:00

Martha Stewart's "Chrismas Card Wreath" idea.

My copy of Martha's idea. Of course, my cards aren't color-coordinated, but I think it turned out cool.

Jingle Bells, Charlie-style

2011-12-15T13:33:00.001-05:00

Oh, Charlie. He was so excited to sing for the mayor at his holiday party today. But could I get him to wear something festive? Oh, no. Could I even convince him to wear a more traditional color like red or green? Heck, no. So there he is, front & center, wearing a bright orange shirt & camouflage pants. Not worth the argument, although on the inside I want to make sure everyone knows - he chose his own clothes today!

It was so darling to see them sing. They performed four songs - Jingle Bells, Up On the Housetop, I Made A Snowball, and We Wish You a Merry Christmas. The other 3 songs are together on a separate video and too long to post here. But I hope this gets you in a festive mood!

Turning gas pains into surgery

2011-12-10T20:49:00.001-05:00

One of my many talents I guess! Long and short of it - I had gas pains and cramping for about 3 days. One of the days I also had fever and nausea. When I had a lightning-strike pain on my right side Monday morning, I decided I better get to the hospital. All signs pointed to appendix but they ordered a CT scan to confirm. Imagine the surprise when the ER doc comes to the room to say - "It's not your appendix. However, there is... something... in there." Off I went to ultrasound where it was confirmed I had a mass, just smaller than a golf ball, outside of my small intestine. I was admitted.

Tuesday I had to wait all day for surgery because I wasn't technically "emergency," so I didn't go under the knife until 6:30 or so that night. A mass was removed and a diverticulum (pouch) was stapled up. Since my blood and urinalysis were fine, and it didn't look like cancer, doctor said it was most likely just a cyst or polyp. I will get definite results this week.

So I ended up having to stay through Friday because I had to be stepped through liquid diet, bland diet, and pass gas before I could go home. I also am off work through Christmas break which I am somewhat unhappy about, but I suppose is for the best. I had to take 2 naps today and still on pain pills.

The boys (all 3 of them) handled things very well. It helped that I was in a hospital in my own town so it was no big deal to come visit. Roman was the one we were especially worried about, but Doug and he had a long talk the first night I was in hospital and he got some fears relieved. Lots of people have reached out to help us and it's been so appreciated! Now it's just a matter of letting the healing continue.

Where the heck's that Advent calendar?

2011-11-28T21:25:00.001-05:00

November 28. I want to mark this as the day I realized I need to find that Advent calendar... because usually it's December 1st and I'm taken by surprise. I feel ahead of the game this year. I finished shopping for both boys today. I have a few stocking stuffers to buy for Doug, easy enough to do. Half my extended family is taken care of, and I know what I'm doing for the rest - just need to get out there and do it (or wait until next paycheck!). This coming weekend we will put the tree & the rest of the decorations up. It all seems too good to be true - I'm actually ahead of the game for once!

We are looking forward to being at home through Christmas morning this year. It will be our second time in 11 years. The older the kids get, the more enticing it is to stay home. Go to our own church for Christmas Eve service, have Santa visit our house. We will embark on our usual Tour of the Families afterward, of course. It makes sense more than ever this year, because my school district has me teaching up to the 23rd of December; the boys get out the day before. Running a bit tight this year!

The boys continue to grow (their pants keep getting shorter!), play hard, and fight hard. Charlie has reached that adorable age where he is piecing together things and getting to know the larger world and the connection he has to it. Since Halloween he has been in a state of wonder - he doesn't remember holidays from last year, so everything is new and exciting. We made his weekend when he saw our house lights lit up the other night. We are wondering if Roman is questioning Santa - he doesn't say it outright, but I know he must have heard things.

Roman is an interesting fellow. He is beginning to balance his true self with the self he needs to present to his friends; examples like, he really loves school but hears other kids talk about hating it & not wanting to go... or he made the comment today about how he "hates" church, yet two weeks ago was so excited to go to Children's Church. It's amazing to me to actually watch someone go through this identity phase. Being cool and accepted versus being himself & accepted. Of course, I think he's the coolest 8-year-old around but what do I know?

An adjustment in attitude

2011-10-25T22:08:00.001-04:00

Last week Doug and I requested a meeting with both Roman's therapist and the doctor doing his neurofeedback. We had done 20 sessions and wanted to ask some questions, and kind of re-orient ourselves on the path we were taking and future steps. It was decided that for the next 5 weeks we would drop talk therapy and do neurofeedback 2x a week. We all were noticing that Ro does well for a few days after the neuro, then has a "spike" of uncontrollable moods for 2-3 days. We are hoping that by having neuro 2x a week this spike will go away.

The meeting was good in another way too - for me, it was great to get some positive feedback on the work we've been doing with Roman. So much of it has been adjusting how we planned to parent; what works for Roman is usually the opposite of our gut reaction. They both commented on how far we've come and reminded us what Roman was like 2 years ago... besides his sweet side, there was a definite love-of-violence and lack-of-compassion being displayed. He also really could take or leave me as his mom and had no spontaneous feelings of love toward me. Roman has really improved in that department, being willing to get physical with us (cuddled, hugged, even kissed!). His anger and his rages calm down much more quickly now, and we're better at handling them.

The worst part is, and for any parent I'm sure, is knowing that what's best for him now (long-term) is not always what he wants. He can't emotionally handle playing with neighborhood friends during the week, so I have to tell him no to that almost daily. He can't have his expected schedule after school changed in the slightest, so sometimes his world is rocked when I do have to run out and pick something up when he gets home. He is taking it in stride for the most part.

I can only hope that we continue to get better at this therapeutic parenting stuff and Charlie benefits too. Then we will have 2 great boys making it well through life.

A career, a calling, a time to move on?

2011-10-11T22:28:00.004-04:00

It's hard for me to put in words my feelings about work without sounding like what most of America thinks teachers are. This has been one of the hardest school years already for a variety of reasons, and it truly is enough to make me daydream about not working anymore. It's the first year I can honestly say I don't love my job. What has happened? State pressure = district trying to stay ahead of the curve.

Here in Michigan teachers are apparently overpaid and underworked. The tenure system is horrible and must be gotten rid of. Union protection is unnecessary, & pay raises should be based on test outcomes. To this end, my district has been changing the evaluation process. Where it used to be every 3 years, now it's every year. They introduced a new rubric & goals about 5 years ago that now is out the window. Our goals must now be SMART - I forget what it all stands for, but measurable, attainable, blah blah blah. We are required to have 3 of them, 2 related to our School Improvement Plan goal (more on the SIP in a minute). Of the 2 related to our SIP, 1 must be a PLC goal (all content and grade similar teachers have the same goal).

We must meet with our evaluator to review our "rough draft" goals. Fine. Then put them on Form B. But not last year's Form B, this year's updated version. Which won't be released until the day after the goals are due. There will be 2 drop-in evaluations. I'm fine with that too. Then in the Spring I have to review & reflect on my goals in writing, and include data-driven proof that my goals were met.

Having 2 goals relate to the School Improvement Plan... interesting, since I also have to be part of making our content SIP goal. We have professional development days to do just that. And go over MEAP scores. And meet in our PLC groups to come up with common assessments, which are encouraged to be used as part of our goal.

Oh yes, and if you're given a rating of minimally or not effective? That's how they're going to let teachers go now when cuts need to be made. In theory a good idea; in practice you get no chance to improve yourself. A teacher is given their evaluation in May, and usually by the end of May we're notified if we're laid off. Not even the business world is that strict - usually given targets to reach or ways to improve, am I right?

In theory, it all sounds good. Teachers paid on how well they teach! Able to get rid of poor teachers no matter how long they've been there! My problem: I WANT TO TEACH. I am tired of making ridiculous goals, so I can make ridiculous assessments, and spend my professional development time making more goals and going over data. I WANT TO TEACH. Give me PD on strategies I can implement... techniques to use... ways to understand & reach learners who aren't engaged... THAT'S what I'm doing this job for. I want to interact with students, I want to get them enthusiastic and learn to like (love?) my content area! I could really not give a damn if students demonstrate an increase of 20% proficiency on a test (or 70% of students will pass the post-test, or....)

Go ahead and test them... if I'm a poor teacher, it will show in more than data-driven tests. You can walk into a classroom and document who is a bad teacher based on teaching style & engagement. Not all kids are going to be great at every subject. That has nothing to do with my teaching skills. I know I should care how they perform - and I do. But I certainly don't want my entire career based on whether a certain percent do better on a 23-question test on the Constitution.

I haven't even started on the other issue: my district has decided that all teachers need to be re-taught how to teach reading in the content areas. Never mind I had a similar class as a requirement by the state for my Masters degree. And I did learn some great strategies. But I was pulled out of the classroom 2x already in the first 3 weeks of school (with a third day out in November). THE WORST time to pull a teacher out. Does my teaching even matter? The first couple weeks of school are crucial to setting the tone for the rest of the year. Apparently the "sub calendar" is a more important consideration. Oh yes, and on top of all the above? We are required to now do 9 hours of professional development on our own time. Plus most of us are trying to earn the 6 "real" college continuing ed credits required by the state.

I am already sick of meetings, and goals, and all this crap. It did not take long for me to dread sitting at these things. My mind gets overwhelmed, I get grumpy and angry, and the idea of changing my career looks sweeter and sweeter. My principal assures me that things will all change (for better or worse) in the next couple years as the pendulum swings.... truly I don't know if I can wait that long. I have talents and interests that can be used and appreciated elsewhere, because it's clear to me neither the state of Michigan nor my district appreciates the fact that I can, actually, TEACH. As in, interact with students? Get them to enjoy learning? On top of that, middle school students! The dreaded early teens! This isn't cared about in this day, age, and state.

I'm thinking about being a stay-at-home mom. Or going back for another Masters in Library Science or Public History to work at a museum. I bet if I looked, I could even get a job as an education coordinator or what-have-you at a smaller museum. I would really miss interacting with kids though. Which is the only thing keeping me teaching this year.

Chipmunks and Tigers and...

2011-10-06T17:07:00.002-04:00

Roman sold enough Entertainment coupon books to win the keychain, the drawstring bag, AND his heart's desire - the Alvin Chipmunk. It claims it's life-size but I've never seen a chipmunk that big before!

We started Charlie at "Tiny Tigers" tang soo do (karate). He is wearing Roman's old top but we had to get new pants since he's much smaller than Ro was when he started. Here he's striking his fearsome Tiny Tiger pose!

A moment to breathe

2011-10-01T22:12:00.000-04:00

I don't even know how to start this post. So much has happened. I thought about listing all the subjects that are dominant in our life right now... it would go something like this:

...Washington DC, Star of the Week, following directions, peeing in the potty, coordinating schedules, packing lunches, grocery shopping, laundry, doing homework, grading papers, mowing the lawn, need more underwear & socks, how in the world are their pants too short again, Roman needs a haircut, put some clothes on Charlie, we've got to watch that movie and send it back to Netflix, is the Crock-Pot clean so I can make tomorrow's dinner, don't forget to fill out the form....

I guess that gives you a good indication of life in our house right now! The above picture was our back-to-school portrait. While I would love to have those cool shots of the same pose at the same place every year, I also realize I'm the mother of boys. And I'm just happy they were willing to stop moving long enough to take a picture, never mind the where!

Roman is a busy 3rd grader whose homework level has increased noticeably this year. It's pretty creative too, which means Mom or Dad has to assist. Like he's the Star of the Week next week. While it's very cool for him, it requires a posterboard of pictures and a bunch of categories for him to write about (I see the sneakiness, teacher!). I predict it will take an hour between printing the pics, putting the board together, and getting him to sit to fill everything out. But he loves his class and is beginning to care about his handwriting... I could actually even read a recent story he wrote! Now if we could just get his spelling improved. He is not involved in any sports right now, mainly because Monday and Thursday evenings are taken with therapy or neurofeedback (NFB), and Tuesdays is when Doug does tang soo do. I want to sign him up for swim lessons, and our NFB will pause for about 6 weeks after Thanksgiving... so perhaps then. He has mentioned wanting to learn to skateboard & when we brought up learning an instrument, he mentioned wanting to play the guitar.

Charlie is a "busy bee" - that's the name of his room at preschool. There is an inordinate amount of boys in his class - 15 of the 21 kids. But he still talks about the same friends, Cooper & Venna, so I think he mostly sticks to himself and his close buds. They are beginning letter recognition and beginning writing - tracing lines and such. It's really cool to see what he can do. He did mention the other day that he wishes Cooper could see his toy cars. I think it's a matter of time before he has his first playdate. Charlie is super-good about using the bathroom now and has only had one accident since August, and that was during nap. Still in a diaper at night but who cares. Last week Doug took Char to "Tiny Tigers" tang soo do and he absolutely loved it - announced he wanted to go every day. We dug up Roman's old uniform and we'll try it again this coming week to see if the enthusiasm is still there.

Doug has put in his 90 days at his new job and really likes it. It's amazing to hear him talk in a positive way about the people he works with and the things he does. Even the irritants of the job don't bother him much. He gets good feedback and it's.... normal. He is a red belt now in tang soo do and in a couple more years will have his black belt, if everything goes well. I'm really proud of him for sticking to it and wanting to accomplish this. He didn't have a hobby or passion for awhile and I'm glad he's found one.

In another post I'll get deeper into my job, but suffice it to say it's been a very very very stressful & discombobulating start to the school year. Some of it because of my choices, most of it because of the state of Michigan's.... choices. I've imagined quitting before, but this was the first year I felt I could walk away and not have guilt. This was before I got to know my students though, and now I'm back on track. Mostly. I'm the head coordinator for the Washington, DC trip this year and it's a busy time - paperwork and deposits due, roommates and chaperones to figure out. As I've mentioned before, if only I could figure out how to NOT grade papers, life would be just about perfect.

As a family, Doug and I are trying to put together a better plan for leisure time in the coming months. Meaning, vacations! There has been talk of short getaways on both sides of our families which we would love. We also have decided that we want to go somewhere for Spring Break as a "true" vacation, not just a couple days in Cleveland (although we don't sneeze at that, either! Cleveland is awesome!). The frontrunner currently is the Smoky Mountains, complete with Dollywood, Gatlinburg, and hopefully Biltmore Estate. It stinks on my school schedule that we can't just go places when we want... we're stuck doing further-away places in the summer, or saving to fly there during Spring Break. This year is a car year.

Anyway... a nicely detailed slice of life for your reading pleasure. I hope it's not a month before I post again!

Yes, please!

2011-08-31T13:51:00.000-04:00

About this time of year, people ask "So, are you ready to go back to school?" They say this with a sort of sympathetic look. And I always seem to surprise them by saying "Oh, yes!" I like my job. I like having some space from my own kids. The only other way it could be perfect is if I could be guaranteed part-time with the classes I want (fat chance!). I look forward to school beginning again. There seems to be a true rhythm to the routine that is definitely lacking during the summer. It's great for the kids to have free time, but me? I like being in control of my little pocket of the middle school.

Roman is very excited about school starting too. We won't find out his teacher for another day or two, but he has already started tracking down items, sharpening pencils, asking what the date is. We are talking up Charlie's daycare, and they have an Open House scheduled for tomorrow night. He is going to have a very hard time being away from Mama. It seems the more time he spends with me, the more he needs to be with me. It's very sweet - Ro did this with his dad - but clingy is not my style.

Here at home we've been ramping up too - getting back into a laundry cycle, planning the weekly meals, discussing who will take the kids in the morning, buying snacks for packed lunches. While I have a lot to do still to get ready, I'm happy about this time of year!

How many ways do we need to be told?

2011-08-22T13:37:00.000-04:00

"Three out of four of the markers for bipolar." "If the medication works, you'll know he's bipolar." "What you're describing are the symptoms of bipolar." And yet I still want to be in denial. Not that it isn't manageable with medication, but it's a life sentence. Roman will always have to be on medication. He will always need to see a specialist. For a boy who does not want to be in touch with his feelings, or sometimes can't even identify them, this is horrible.

We had been suspecting for a few weeks that the medication Ro was on to stabilize his moods wasn't working as well as it had. We were noticing more ups and downs, and they were getting both more frequent & larger in scope. We had agreed that when we saw the psychiatrist today we would talk with her. But Roman put his bipolar on display Saturday - we haven't seen a low like that in months. Poor boy. Even as he is experiencing it, he can't explain why. He was sobbing, tears flowing, all the while saying "I don't know why I'm upset." Unfortunately this happened at my parents' house, so they had to see the ugly side of his usually bright and sunny (sometimes manic) disposition.

Based on our explanations and Roman's help, we have to add another medication to his day. This is the step I'd been dreading, although I had been warned - bipolar isn't as easy as one pill & he's fixed. In fact, Dr. told me that she was surprised we hadn't said anything earlier, as kids Roman's age with bipolar usually need 2 medications at this time. This medication also requires blood drawing to check levels, so Ro had the unhappy experience of a blood draw this morning. He was very brave (and earned a new lightsaber). He has to do it again in 2 weeks to check med. levels. This is getting so much more complicated.

I'm glad, though, for a few things. That we know of this early enough in his life that we can manage it and help Ro learn to manage it. We're blessed to have a fabulous psychiatrist with a degree in pharmacology, worth every not-covered-by-insurance penny. And so lucky that Roman has not shown any aggressive tendencies and still remains a sweet, lovable boy. We know God led us to him and so we need to continue to be the best parents we can for him.

Success in many ways!

2011-08-11T15:18:00.001-04:00

Charlie is in underwear all day now! He has only had one partial accident in 5 days. Awesome.

Roman's neurofeedback is finally showing some success too - we have had 14 sessions now. In tracking some of his behaviors, we have noticed 4 of them, most significantly his anxiety/fear of being alone, have really decreased. We also no longer see the constant interruptions & overtalking; his "boredom" and arguing has gone down as well. Ro still has trouble regulating himself and keeping on an even keel, and we have noticed his impulsive behavior has ramped up. But, it's all the 3rd month of summer, and who knows what will happen when school starts? We have been pleased with what's happened so far.

I have been on Weight Watchers for a month now and have lost a grand total of 13.5 lbs. What's even better though, is the every day things that have changed. I was able to pull 3 shirts out of storage that now fit me again. My belt has gone in one hole. A couple pairs of pants now need that belt to keep them up! I have been checking out different exercise programs (don't want to rush into things!).

I don't say much about my wonderful husband on this blog, but he is doing great as well. He is really thriving in the job he started at the beginning of June. He comes home happy & doesn't seem to mind going to work. A couple things he focused on at the start of the job have gone well, & he's getting good feedback. Sounds like a normal job, doesn't it? He's just thrilled to actually matter at work.

2011-08-09T14:28:00.000-04:00

In an homage to the truly entertaining Lego A Day, Roman has asked to create his own blog. It can be found at this link.
We just started it, but he is having fun thinking up ideas.

How will we get to it all?

2011-08-01T14:34:00.000-04:00

(Proud Lake camping)

The halfway mark of summer has passed for us - that's VBS. It's always the last week of July and I dread it and love it at the same time. I taught Roman's class this year which was fun - but Charlie had a real hard time being separated from me every day. We had a very busy weekend a couple weeks ago - camping & the air show - so this past and this coming weekend we're being lazy and sticking around home. I am also excited for and dreading school starting again. Now that my kids & I have a routine down, there's lots we want to do - and we'll have to undo it in a few short weeks!

(P51 Mustang at air show)

On the losing weight front, I am proud to tell my gentle readers that I have lost an unofficial total of 13.5 lbs in a month (weigh-in is not until tomorrow, but I may have cheated this morning and looked). I have gone down a shirt size and probably a pant size too, except I mostly wear elastic baggy capris in the summer so who knows. There have been lots of fruits and veggies in the house - boy, is it expensive to eat healthy! The three things I know to be true so far is: 1. Fruits and veggies make a person regular. 2. Within a week highly processed sugary stuff tasted bad. 3. I cannot function without 8 oz. of Coke.

We still have excitement for August. A swim birthday party for a friend of Roman's, camping with friends, Roman will be going to a week-long art class with my niece (longest he will ever have been away from us - 4 nights!), Doug is taking a day off to help me move into my classroom, & I have a wedding shower/bachelorette party to attend. Not to mention all the local things we still want to do (a newly discovered arts & crafts store in Ann Arbor, bowling, swimming, zoo, Greenfield Village).

Summer fun - the brighter side of life

2011-07-19T09:13:00.002-04:00

Enough stress, deep thinking, & angst! We are having fun this summer, too. First, my news: In the first 2 weeks of Weight Watchers I've lost 5.5 pounds! Even had a 24-hour period where I blew it in terms of restaurants, but back on the horse & doing well. Now, my kids - when they're not annoying each other:

Playing dress-up

Helping Dad wash the car

Eyeing the sprinkler before he runs through...

Sparklers on the 4th of July!

Third time's a charm?

2011-07-10T18:43:00.002-04:00

I have mentioned my weight issues before. I may not have mentioned that I am also the queen of "any excuse in the book" not to do something. I have successfully put off going back to Weight Watchers since my previous post (March). First, it was to get through the end of school... then I switched medicine again... then end of June... then 4th of July... but I did it. I rejoined WW Online for the third time on Tuesday. It's a slightly different system than they had before - they reconfigured their Points. This caused me to melt down on day 2 or 3 already, because all the bookmarking & figuring & counting I've ever done - now it's no good. Where a poptart was a good treat at 4 points, now it's 6 points! My favorite bread was 1 point a slice - now it's 2! Granted, you get more points... but everything "costs" more now.

So that was frustrating, although I'm getting the hang of it. I dig why they changed it - frankly, I could get away with eating crap and still losing weight. They're going for a "life change" approach. Which I have to do. I have a terrible habit of wanting to weigh myself every day to see what's happening, which I need to stop obsessing over.

Today I was at JC Penney and found their sundresses were 60% off. I tried on one and it *almost* fit... my tummy was the problem. (next size up was too big elsewhere). So I bought it anyway as inspiration and am hanging it on my closet door - I want to wear it with a cute little shrug or cardigan on Parent Night at work, which is the 2nd week of September. Figure even a pound a week, from now until Parent Night, would be a loss of 8.5 pounds. I'm hoping for 10 pounds down, plus a tummy-smoother, and I'll be in that dress no problem.

Exercise has also been on my mind. Frankly, I hate to sweat. But I've gotten to the point that I sweat anyway, even just sitting outside, because I've got so much flab on me. So I did the dorkiest thing imaginable - bought myself a sweatband for my head, & a couple for my wrist. Matching grey, so stylish! There's a walking path at Rotary Park that if we hit it at the right time, the boys can ride their bikes on it too. And I need to pull out the ol' Turbo Jam and get cranking again. But like I said, I may look like a dork but I'm probably more likely to do it if sweat isn't burning my eyes all the time.

So. There you have it. I'll have to post a before & after picture each month to see what happens, eh?

Dog days of summer already?

2011-07-08T14:00:00.003-04:00

We have reached the part of summer I had been dreading. Roman was enjoyable the first few weeks, being a great kid and I thoroughly liked being with him. Probably the first summer I've felt that way. Charlie was cute and sweet, a few tempers but nothing significant. It was the honeymoon. Little by little, we have devolved. roman doesn't want to do anything, go anywhere, nothing is fun, he's bored, etc. When I tell him of something we're going to do, he simply says no. I inform him he's going anyway, and a meltdown occurs.

Charlie has entered the "push your buttons" phase. Verbally he asks "why" all the time, asks the same question two to three times in succession, or asks all of us the same question individually. When I turn the "why" around on him, he simply shrugs his shoulders and says "I don't know." Gah! Too early to be doing that! He has picked up many things from his older brother, some funny (inflections in his voice, certains phrases) and not so funny (can they please stop mentioning body functions unless they have to do it?).

We observe with envy kids in other families at the park, movies, fireworks. They follow directions in public, at least. They sit - and remain sitting. Many times they sit quietly. Why weren't we allowed at least one child like that? Why does it have to be such an effort to take my kids anywhere? It's gotten to the point where I have to lay all sorts of ground rules down about whining, asking to leave, asking for a toy, you name it.

So we're plodding through summer, and I WILL keep them occupied. Just wish they appreciated it a little more.

My dirt collection

2011-06-30T22:22:00.004-04:00

It has been hidden away for years, tucked into a paper-box at the back of the basement cabinets. Oh, I would think of it from time to time, always meaning to scrap it in some way. But I just didn't get to it. Until this past May, when I saw this cool shadow box from Tim Holtz and these little glass jars and everything started to come together in my brain. It was time to liberate my dirt collection.

It's a far cry from my complete collection from back in the day - from 1994 through 2000, I received dirt from people who would travel, I would collect it myself, I would even get dirt from friends of friends. But I went through it all, saved the most memorable or thoughtful, and have put them on display.

I stopped collecting in 2000 when my canister of St. Andrews golf course dirt opened in my suitcase. I figured that was a sign... plus, as newlyweds we just didn't travel that much! But putting this display together has inspired me again. I go to DC once a year & I would love to collect some Pentagon dirt. And we'll start traveling with the kids more often now that they're bigger... this could be a lot of fun once again! (& no worries - I left lots of room in the display for the future!)

Training, day 2

2011-06-23T19:57:00.003-04:00

The dreaded training... potty, that is. Just like when he was a newborn, I am now talking about Charlie's pee and poop all the time. Whatever nice words my parents taught me for these bodily functions have gone out the window. Whatever works, baby.

Yesterday was our first true day of training. Decided to go without diaper outside and C. notified me immediately when he had to go. Success! Decided to go inside without a diaper, and he went another 4 times throughout the day. No accidents. Great success!

Today we started out well again, with C. requesting "to go nakey like before." Continued to do his #1 when at home in the toilet, with warning. This afternoon we were playing (him nakey) when C. said, "Poop!" I said with some urgency, "go to the bathroom! Go! Go!" He stood up... and it was already done. On the carpet. Easy to clean, luckily. After dinner he said his tummy hurt, but he gave us warning, and did his first #2 in the toilet! Woohoo! But I should have paid attention to the fact it was loose.... he wasn't back in the living room more than a couple minutes before he yelled again, "I'm pooping!" I ran out to see.... oh yes. Himself, the carpet, just a mess. He was upset, too, as he had a panicked look on his face. Word from the Daddy: No more running around nakey. So tomorrow we will wear underwear with severe warnings that he cannot get them wet.

He's really pleased with his reward - M&Ms - and tries to use the toilet even when he doesn't need to, just to see if he can get a few more M&Ms. He's definitely old enough to do this - now let's hope his stubborn side doesn't appear.

A very vivid dream

2011-06-21T15:21:00.003-04:00

Two nights ago I had one of those dreams that you swear you were there for real. Me - I was in Moscow again. This time it was me, Doug, my parents, and Roman, although it was only my parents and me in the actual dream. I was playing tour guide, clearly knowing Moscow better than I do in real life. We checked into our hotel and I realized we were just a couple blocks from Red Square. So we went out to walk it, and I was pointing out shops like the McDonald's and Tiffany's, talking about the bookstore - yes, people, my geography was spot on.

We crossed the street and I was pointing out buildings and identifying them by their rooflines; where Gum department store was, where the Communist Museum was, churches, St. Basil's. Talked about Lenin's tomb. You guys, it wasn't a regular dream. I was RIGHT THERE in Red Square with my parents.

I have dreamed of Russia before, but nothing as vivid as this. I was so sad when I was awoken by Charlie - I knew I wouldn't get back into my dream, and I so wanted to. I think it'd be so cool to show my parents the land of Roman's birth. It's such an intensely personal experience between just Doug and I, that none of my descriptions can do it justice. And Doug and I have talked often of taking Roman back someday. Perhaps this is a sign that I should pull out his baby book and finish it.

Summer Eve

2011-06-19T22:09:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow marks the first real day of summer for me. It's also when my kids become my only job for a little while. That's good and bad, of course. I'm not sure about those moms who have the best kids and can't wait to spend summer with them. I always have an ounce of dread when I think about summers home. Perhaps because my 8-year-old can't hold his attention on anything for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Summer is like the starting of a new job. I am their primary entertainment & disciplinarian now, not school or daycare. And where at school I can get a new set of kids every 55 minutes, I'm stuck with these 2 all day every day! We will have some awesome times, no doubt - Ro already wants to go swimming, have lots of playdates, go to the zoo, etc. - but there will always be those "long dark tea-times of the soul," for us usually around 4:30-6pm, when they've played everything they can think of, and I just want to get dinner started... ooh. Just got dread-chills thinking about it.

To start our summer, we will be going to K-Mart for a new pillow for Roman & birdseed for the feeder. If we're all in a good mood, I may attempt a Costco shopping trip. Pretty exciting stuff, huh? Most of Roman's friends have both parents working and are in daycare or with babysitters, so it will be interesting to make playdates. But I'll start calling people tomorrow!

Let's not do that again.

2011-06-11T21:51:00.003-04:00

For a calm and planned-out Saturday, today turned into one big emotional crazy day. It was supposed to be easy - errands in the morning, Charlie naps, buy Ro's birthday gift, grandparents arrive, dinner, etc. Nice, right? Well, errands got done. Then Charlie's naptime came but he was not pleased. Long story short, he ended up whacking me twice in the head. He's lucky I didn't throw him into his bed. Instead I just sort of... tossed him. I ended up brushing off Roman because I was so angry, so he got upset thinking I was pushing him away when he wanted to give me a hug, and HE started crying. I started crying because I just wanted to be by myself for 5 minutes!!

So my parents arrive in the midst of this. Roman had calmed down so he went to entertain them, Charlie was no longer screaming but just kicking the wall, and I calmed myself down. Then it was my Dad's turn to cause a ruckus. He voiced a concern that he needed something sweet to help his sugar. We gave him a cookie. A few minutes later he got up to get a drink of water, made it into the dining room - and passed out. Just collapsed onto the floor. So 911 was called, Roman was scared out of his wits so my mom consoled him, then I tried to console her... my Dad's okay now. He was responsive within seconds of hitting the floor, no physical damage done. The rescue ambulance AND fire truck showed up, that was exciting. They gave him some glucose and he got balanced out again.
The EMTs were awesome with Roman, too. They could see how panicked he was and so the lieutenant took him and Doug out to the fire truck and let him turn on the siren, blow the horn, crawl all over it... then they gave him a hat, stuffed bear, sticker, all kinds of goodies. Poor Charlie slept right through it (well, thank goodness he did) and so didn't get a stuffed animal. He was a little jealous.

So we did go to my parents' hotel where they were staying, Ro and Doug swam in the pool, we ordered takeout & ate in the room and watched the Belmont Stakes. Boys in bed at a reasonable time, because tomorrow is Roman's birthday! And another possible round of emotional responses. So stay tuned.

Birthday, basement, & boys

2011-06-07T11:37:00.003-04:00

The new carpet is coming today. I love when you discover you know people who "know people." This time around, a coworker's brother owns a carpet & tile shop in Dearborn and he cut us a great deal on new carpet. We're going with a darker shade of tan/taupe/brown whatever. It's a soft berber, with a design in it to hopefully camouflage soem of those spills that occur. Concrete floor makes the basement just such a depressing... hole. I haven't been down there except to quickly flip laundry.

Roman's birthday is coming quickly. He will be getting a new bike from us, probably Saturday morning. he went to the dentist today and got a filling and was a really brave boy. I was very proud of him. Charlie has been just charming, wanting to help outside. He loves filling birdfeeders, playing in the dirt and plants, and both boys covet watering the plants so they can play with the hose. In 1.5 weeks summer will be upon us and I'm lining up ideas in my head of things to do. Charlie still needs naps, so it will be time-sensitive summer. He also needs to be potty-trained, so I've got my work cut out for me.

Always look on the bright side of life!

2011-05-30T12:53:00.002-04:00

While it has been an unplanned minor catastrophe at our house, it really couldn't have happened at a better time. Truly:
I wanted to clean out the cupboards downstairs.
We needed to put everything into plastic tubs and had just been putting it off.
We had been putting it off for months, but we just got our reimbursement check from my daycare account. So we had money to pay the cleanup crew!
After 10 years in this house, we finally built a garage. So now there's a place to put everything from the basement.
We had been talking about moving some things around in the laundry room and putting a different type of flooring in. Now, we can definitely do that.
In fact, we can adjust the flooring in the office area, and truly clean out all toys like we had been daydreaming about. It's practically a blank slate!

So blessing always come from tragedies. I'm just paying attention to which toys the kids miss and which ones they don't, so some may just never make it back in....
And the official countdown, by the way: 1 week, 6 days until Roman's 8th birthday.

"...and the rain, rain, rain came down, down, down..."

2011-05-26T21:52:00.002-04:00

I always loved that Pooh song. Piglet gets washed away... much like our basement. Now before I go on detailing our minor trauma, I am well aware that we are blessed and blessed again - that we only had 3 inches of water in our basement, that we have the finances to cover it (although painfully), and Doug has tomorrow off to deal with the cleanup. However...

Wow, has it been raining. And more, and more. Yesterday's took the cake. The volume that fell in just an hour or so flooded the sewer system of my town, therefore forcing water back up into people's homes. In a neighboring town, main roads and intersections were closed due to flooding. Many buildings were closed because of extensive water damage today. So our 3" was nothing. Except... the carpet & padding. The floor molding. The couch. The laminate flooring in the office area. Storage area. Everything soaked. The amusing part, according to Doug, was watching the boys' aircraft carrier realistically float across the basement.

Roman doesn't handle emergency situations well at all, and the fact that his toys might be drowning really upset him. There was so much emotion going on - Doug frustrated & angry, me practically laughing (what else are you going to do?), and Roman worried - he just broke down in tears. It cheered him to see that Doug was liberating the toys & furniture first. Charlie just thought it was great fun - now all his toys are in the living room where he can reach them!

The cleanup crew is coming first thing Friday morning, and the carpet's getting ripped out. We'll probably spend the evening checking out the paneling & cabinetry to assess damage. And maybe calling a number I have wanted to dial since my childhood days.... 588-2300 Empire!

Birds in our front yard

2011-05-15T21:43:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to document this somewhere. Birds we have seen at our feeders:
Blackbird
Red-winged blackbird
Chipped sparrow
white-throated sparrow
Cardinal
Mourning Dove
Black-capped chickadee
(Robins, obviously, in our yard)
Oh yeah, that hawk that attacked another bird once

Doug's favorite is the chickadee. I like them too, and the cardinal. Charlie seems to like the blackbirds, but he calls them starlings. He and Roman like to scare the mourning doves off. I have recently been interested in the white-throated sparrow though, because they look odd - brown bodies, with black-and-white stripes on their head.

Anyway. Back to your regularly planned surfing.

How to scrap & be up to date

2011-05-13T17:15:00.004-04:00

An oxymoron, no? It is near impossible to be a scrapper and to be up to date at the same time. There's always a side project, or an idea bouncing around your head, or the sheer volume of pictures to contend with. Last year I decided to forgo Project 365 and focus instead on "The Monthly": doing layouts by month. I can choose how many for each month, stick the shots in a template, and by the end of the month they are ready to be paged through. I also picked 8.5x11 size because it's easier to sit with it in your lap. It worked so well for 2010 that I am doing it again this year and am very pleased. I just finished April - take a look!

It's a simple matter of digital photos sorted by date, templates purchased at Designer Digitals designed by Cathy Zielske, and the color-dropper in PSE. About one hour, & I had 4 layouts done. Hooray!

Finally, it's Spring!

2011-05-08T16:51:00.002-04:00

Here in Michigan, it's hard to tell what season it is somedays. We can go from 70s to 40s in a day, or like yesterday, 60s to 40s when the wind blows just right. It's been rainy too, but not the April-showers kind. It's been the rain-that-could-turn-to-sleet-at-any-minute kind. Today, finally, it feels like Spring. Upper 60s, cool breeze, just right for playing outside.

Spring around our house means busy weekends. Roman has started Spring flag football so has practice and games. Doug has turned his attention back to the grass (or lack thereof) and I start dreaming of a relaxing outdoor area. My brother will be working on the latter - we hired him to design a space for us now that the whole thing is trashed from the garage-raising.

Charlie, always an outdoor kid, wants to spend every waking minute outside. He is the type that can wander around outside for an hour, amusing himself with sticks and mud. He is working on making friends with Jumpy, our squirrel - they sat and stared at each other a few days ago, Jumpy in the tree and Charlie on the deck. I swear to you, it seemed that they were silently communicating.

Spring to me means school is starting to wind down. In another week or so I will be at one of my favorite parts of the year - when I have to start planning my lessons backward from the end of the year to make sure I get everything in that I need to. There is great hope I will actually have a classroom next year (hopefully not in a hallway far, far away). I look forward to summer as we're planning some different things than usual - camping more but with new friends, Roman's doing a couple of nature classes, and I want to check out a couple area fun places I haven't been yet. Although I do have a streak of trepidation - Charlie's starting to kick his naps, making them shorter and shorter... and potty-training will have to begin in earnest.

Adopted vs. Biological kids

2011-04-21T10:41:00.002-04:00

There IS a difference. No matter what people try to tell you, or convince you, there just is. Charlie is more compatible with Doug and I, behavior-wise, because he is similar to us genetically. Roman has behaviors that, because of his genetics and environment when he was a baby, we find mystifying. We struggle daily trying to figure out what parts of Roman are just "him" and we have to adapt to. Sometimes we get so frustrated with a behavior and upon reflection later, realize that he has always been that way and probably always will be.

I often wish we had a biological kid before we adopted Roman. I think we would have noticed much earlier that Roman wasn't like "regular" kids. On the other hand, we just soak up any affection given from Charlie because we never got it from Roman. Roman is also learning from Charlie, both in playtime and affection-wise. We have noticed that he is giving kisses and being slightly more spontaneous in telling us sweet things; I think it's more because he sees Charlie than he actually feels these things. Who knows, though.

When playing with Charlie, as I've seen this week as they've been each other's only playmates, Roman is demonstrating much more imagination. His therapist has mentioned that emotionally Roman is really behind - more like a 5 year old than an almost-8 year old. He can fake it well with his peers, but he really does love to talk to and play with his stuffed animals and is right with Charlie when they play "guys." Coming to terms with this has been tough, but finally adapting to what he needs (even if we think it's weird) seems to have worked. He definitely understands what is "okay to do at home."

A lesson in God being bigger than us

2011-04-16T21:47:00.006-04:00

I have always been okay talking about death. Because it is unavoidable, perhaps because my parents handled my early experiences with it well. I had the privilege to talk to my Grandpa about his feelings about impending death when he was given just a couple months to live. It still remains as one of the best conversations I have ever had. My Grandma was the same way, very pragmatic about the whole thing. Because other family members were "too emotional" in her opinion, she asked me to write up her informal bequeaths, her obituary for the newspaper, and general directions in how her memorial service should run. It didn't bother me to do this at all - not only a favor to my grandmother, but also something I feel is pretty important anyway.

So. I try to talk with Roman pretty factual about death too. It's not scary, it's not something to avoid - in fact, we refer to it as going to live with God. And for hard-believing Christians, is there anything better, really? Wouldn't life be scary if you didn't firmly believe this? Yesterday was something I certainly never expected to need to talk about, though. The old ladies who live next to us also had their brother living with them. He passed away suddenly in the afternoon and I found myself in the odd position of explaining to Roman about how they take care of a body. Yes, because timing was terrible - Ro and I went out to do an errand right as the funeral home showed up to remove the body from the house. And oh, was Roman curious. We talked and I think/hope I handled it well. I just don't want him to be afraid of death either - death & taxes, right?

Good things in our future

2011-04-11T21:44:00.002-04:00

Swim is over Tuesday. While I've had fun, I'm looking forward to getting my day back to normal. I've missed picking Roman up and having an hour ro so to catch up on things at home before cooking dinner.

Doug was told to expect a phone call regarding a career opportunity Tuesday. We both are excited to hear about it, but I haven't seen Doug this giddy in months.

Doug is going to see Rush in concert with his best friend Sunday night.

It's the last week of school before Spring break. We are going to Cleveland for a couple nights and looking forward to spending time with the boys with no real schedule. We would like to take in the Natural History Museum (dinosaurs!), Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Great Lakes Science Museum, and of course lots of time in the pool at the hotel.

Roman starts neurofeedback over break too. Hoping it helps with anxiety & ADHD.

It's the 4th marking period at school. That means we're on the downhill slope!

It's Doug's and my birthday month!

Time in the kitchen

2011-04-11T21:14:00.003-04:00

In January I chose the word "time" to reflect on this year. I've done a lot of reflecting - just haven't blogged about it! Today I thought I'd do a fun post on the time I spent cleaning up the kitchen & putting groceries away - the music playlist I listened to while I did it!

Life's A Dance by John Michael Montgomery
I Feel Lucky by Mary Chapin Carpenter
Our Song by Taylor Swift
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
Don't Stop by Wade Hayes
The Nations of the World - Animaniacs
Rock of Ages by Def Leppard
Take A Look At My Girlfriend - Supertramp
American Woman by Lenny Kravitz
Stupid Girls by Pink
Fruits by Knee Deep Shag

Doug caught me grooving & singing at Coldplay and just laughed at me. All were good sing-along songs and the kitchen now looks great!

Weighty information

2011-03-30T22:19:00.007-04:00

Ah, the pun intended. I'm revealing some HUGE information here, folks. Yes, another pun. I have struggled with weight since college. When I married I was 185, 190. Pretty pleased with that nowadays! By the time we did paperwork to adopt Roman I was pushing 200, so I started dieting (my first foray into Weight Watchers Online). Got back down to 185 before we went to Russia. Gained it right back the first year with Ro home!

Flash-forward to 2007, I'm now pushing 215. Found out I was pregnant with Charlie and so no problem - I'll lose it all after he's born! And I did, with Weight Watchers' help: back down to 185, 190. Pleased again. And then I started some medication in 2009 for anxiety, and guess what - it's one of the worst meds for weight gain! I piled and piled it back on, now at a whopping... I don't even want to say. But the pictures tell all, gentle readers - when I saw a shot of me almost double the size of my cousins at a wedding last summer, I cried. Disgusting.

I tried Weight Watchers again, but was unable to lose anything. I'd go down 2, 3, maybe even 4 pounds - and then plateau. That's not normal. I could never lose more. Meanwhile, even though my anxiety is under control, my self-esteem is plummeting and I could even feel some depression creeping in over this issue.

So I went to a new doctor today - the psychiatrist that Roman goes to, because she has a degree in pharmacology and knows meds really well. I told her my plight and she immediately said - "there's no way you will lose weight with that medicine. It's notorious for it!" She prescribed me a different thing for anxiety right away - the same one Roman is on, ironically - and I will start weaning off this horrible drug. It will take a month to wean off, but hopefully by the end of summer I will be back at 200 again. And can go nowhere but down. My skinny clothes are hanging in Roman's closet and wanting to get out again! So nice to know that it's not me - not battling against myself.

Adoptees never escape

2011-03-20T21:17:00.002-04:00

Roman and I were having a great time at a craft store today. As we were finishing up, I saw some Willow Tree brand figures and stopped to see if they had the one I've wanted (mother with two boys). They didn't, but had a "Brothers" figure. I immediately thought of Ro and Charlie, picked it up and said, "Hey Roman, what does this remind you of?" Roman immediately replied, "Me and my brother in Russia."

Oh. My. Gosh. Where I thought of him as the protective older brother, Roman immediately placed himself as the younger one. His mind must roll over those thoughts every day. I played it really well, saying "Oh it does? So this is you..." and we talked briefly about it. But my heart ached for him - wanting to know his birthfamily. We talked again about it at bedtime and he said, "even if we go back to Russia we may not find them." So clearly that little brain is spinning plans that he hasn't verbalized yet. I shared with him my feelings on my own birthfamily, and how I hope we can find his someday. Oh, my sweet Roman.

Beautiful weather

2011-03-19T21:39:00.003-04:00

Warm weather, sun, a nice breeze... it really does a lot to lift the spirits. Even if my spirits didn't need much lifting, I always feel better once the weather turns for good. It still doesn't smell like Spring out there, but the temps are telling me to go out and play. So we have been - the boys have been to the park at least once a day since Thursday. I got outside to fill the birdfeeders, wishing I could see the ones that I've been hearing for days. And then....

Oh yes, folks. That's a hawk. We were sitting there tonight, and out of the corner of our eyes we see this huge winged shadow come swooping in. We all jumped back, and I looked out to see this hawk on a rock in our landscape. He apparently was going after another bird at the feeder. Doug is all thrilled now, hoping to see some hunter-prey action.

Lazy Saturday, and wonderful boys!

2011-03-05T17:16:00.004-05:00

Today, with all the rain-turned-snow, it has been a lazy day here. Luckily, the boys cooperated. So often when Doug and I want to just putter around the house, that's when the kids are bouncing off the walls and needing to get their energy out. Today they were happy to read books, play, and do errands with their Dad (separately, of course. We don't try to take them out at the same time!). Even better, today they played together really well! We know tomorrow will probably be horrible in those terms, so we are soaking up the goodness today.

These pictures, taken just a few minutes ago, shows the awesomeness in our living room; Daddy and Charlie watching "Johnny Test," with Charlie believing he has a better view through his handyman safety goggles...

And then Roman, who sold back a game at GameStop to get Pokemon SoulSilver for his DS. He is very happy to sit in the comfy chair and play!

So many times we get caught up in the struggle of day to day, meds and tantrums, school drama & toddler drama... I need to appreciate this day. It has been a great day.

Charlie is so awesome.

2011-02-25T14:35:00.004-05:00

I know I should do a better job of recording Charlie's little sweet nothings, so that's today's post. Except I really have to bullet-point it.

One Liners:
Charlie, after this song it's naptime. Charlie, do you know what time it is? "Um... hide & seek?"

You can have one cookie. "One at a time?"

Funny words or phrases:
"Mugot" instead of forgot
"Actually, no."

But really, the funniest thing he does at the age of 3 is try to control his little world. He likes to tell Doug and I how to sit or lay down with him. He orders us what songs to sing at bedtime. He is also fighting for independence - we regularly hear "I'll do it myself!" He is putting his pants on but still gets tangled in his shirts. And when it comes to toys, it's anything with wheels or wings - planes, trains, & automobiles.

He is really sweet too, and shows affection we never got from Roman. I finally had to ask another mom if it was normal for Charlie to be so loving. He touches my face, strokes my cheek, plays with my hair, all kinds of stuff. Apparently this is all appropriate. I can't imagine that I dreaded Charlie's arrival at one point. Life would be so grey without him.

Snafu

2011-02-13T21:23:00.002-05:00

I love that Army phrase. "Situation normal: all *$&@ up." That's pretty much life here at the VE household. While on a day to day basis everything is just fine, our kind of "fine" is much different than most people's. We've been tracking Roman's probable bipolar on a calendar and have found a definite peak & valley cycle. Now that we expect things on certain days, I think overall his larger rages are happening less and less frequently. So our weeks generally look like this:
Sunday: Emotional meltdown or rage. The buildup of fun/less structure. He will end up needing to be helped to calm down.
Monday: Very emotional, typically anger; occasionally needs help; still coming down from weekend.
Tuesday: Good day.
Wednesday: Emotional, cries easily. This is his "low" day.
Thursday: Good day.
Friday: Good day. Beginning to ramp up for "high" weekend.
Saturday: Will have a short and quick "high" in the a.m. which we can calm down. Continues to wind up (see Sunday).

Of course, if we go somewhere on the weekends or there is a major shift in plans during the week, this all changes. Ro holds it together really well when visiting grandparents or playing with friends - which makes his Sunday or Monday night meltdowns even bigger. But like I said, now that we can see the pattern (we've been documenting a little over a month now) we expect it and are ready for it - and we keep calmer too. Mostly.

Charlie either continues to be oblivious to his brother or accepts the snafu ambience in our home. He will play by himself when Roman needs our attention. He himself is a calming influence and when in the mood to play with Roman, can often be helpful. Of course, he's also 3 and getting into the "yank the toy away and if you don't give me what I want, I'll scream & hit you" phase. But because he's also in the "I want to help you and generally be a pleaser" phase, he will inform me when I need to put him in a time-out. He actually walked me through one yesterday. Told me to put him in time-out, then after it ended he said, "why was I in time out?" but it wasn't a question - it was like he was coaching me in what to say. It was pretty humorous.

So, when you ask how things are going, I'll say everything's fine. Nothing new to report, "the usual." But inside I'm thinking, "snafu!"

Lefties have rights, too!

2011-02-03T20:06:00.005-05:00

I am proudly a lefty. In fact, I am dominantly left-handed - it is uncomfortable for me to do most things with my right hand. And one of the great things about having a biological child is that he's a lefty too! Charlie showed off his dominant hand very early on when he first started grabbing at spoons. Life is hard for us, sure - but it is pretty awesome to be left-handed.

I thought of this today, though, as I flipped over the paper towel roll for the umpteenth time - do righties have any idea what it's like to live in their world? Here are the things I encounter:

Notebook spirals digging into my hand/arm
can openers operated with my weak hand
had to train myself to use the computer mouse on the right
the number pad on a keyboard is always on the right
the paper towel always has to be flipped - it's on a vertical holder and I want the loose end on the left, whereas Doug wants it on the right
I put cards in envelopes upside down and backward
I change diapers opposite of Doug, so early on we kept moving the wipes around
Using scissors and knives? It's messy, let's just leave it at that
When nurses try to draw blood or I have to have an IV, everything has to be switched around to accommodate me.

I had to learn to golf with right-handed clubs, which I swear is the reason I'm not very strong at it. Although now when I try to do it left-handed, it feels weird too. And for my job, writing on the overhead screen? Forget it. But I am proud of it, and so glad that Charlie gets to join the ranks of those of us in their RIGHT minds.

Charlie's birthday fun

2011-01-25T21:29:00.002-05:00

A remote control Lightning McQueen! He can run it himself. Obviously, he's very pleased.

Charlie got (Roman's) toy of the Leapfrog alphabet singing thingy. He clearly likes it.

And this last one? Just an adorable shot of him sleeping in our bed while Doug was out of town. So. darn. sweet.

3 years ago

2011-01-10T22:09:00.005-05:00

I've been pretty emotional the past couple days. I thought it was stress. At my support group, they're thinking it might be because of Charlie, and my body remembering. Interesting idea.

Time x 2

2011-01-05T15:10:00.004-05:00

In reflecting on my word of the year, TIME, and reflecting on my scrapbooking, of which I would like more TIME to do it (and cover more TIME in my albums), I remembered an album idea. Rather than a picture of the day, where I fall behind in my journaling, do an album on a monthly basis. So to expedite this process, I bought a template kit, learned my PSE8 a little better, and behold:

I have done 8 pages already - 4 for January, 2 for February, and 2 for March. I am so much more enthusiastic for this - I can actually get a bunch of pictures in an album in a few hours, and then go back and scrap more in-depth pages at leisure (or on scrap weekends, which seems to be the only dedicated time I have anymore!). I also am playing around with the 8.5x11 layouts, because I don't take time to look at my 12x12 albums as often because they are awkward on the lap. So either I change size or buy a new coffee table. But that's a different post!

Crazy squirrel lady

2010-12-31T14:15:00.003-05:00

I am not a fan of birds. But this summer, I was possessed with the desire to own a birdfeeder & attract them. I'm not sure why. And of course, being a beginner, I ended up attracting a squirrel. Not just any squirrel - Jumpy.

Jumpy has been hanging around our house since before Charlie was born, hiding his nuts in our yard & basically being a nuisance. Roman is the one who named him. Well, the arrival of the birdfeeders appeared to be the challenge Jumpy was looking for. It doesn't matter what kind of feeder I buy, Jumpy figures out how to get seeds from it. He destroyed the one pictured below within 2 weeks.

The thing is, I don't really mind feeding Jumpy. Of course, he's getting quite fat and may not make it up to his nest in the tree across the street eventually, but I like seeing him. But I do miss seeing birds strangely, so yesterday I bought a magazine from Birds & Blooms with tips on what to put in feeders to attract certain kinds of birds. And it dawned on me - because I am allergic to dogs & cats, these animals are my only chance at pets! They cause very little work for me other than filling the feeder, and I get to admire them when I have the time. And Jumpy, he's gotten to the point where he doesn't even run when we go in and out of the door. So, yes - I am the crazy squirrel lady.

A word for the year

2010-12-28T15:02:00.004-05:00

When I have free time, which isn't often, I cruise around the Internet to scrapbooking sites & blogs. There are certain people I like to "drop in" on. The other day I popped over to Ali Edwards' blog. I'm not a big fan of her style, but often she will provide some inspiration that gets me thinking. And so it was this day - her "one little word."

The idea - to take a word and embrace it for the year. Let it guide your decisions, let it give you direction. I love this idea. So many words bounced around in my head, but it only took a couple days to settle on the one I will use. TIME.

Spend it, squander it, find it, make it, it goes too fast, it goes too slow... so each month I plan to do a little page about how TIME is affecting me but more important, how I am using my TIME. I want to spend more with my kids without thinking of the zillion other things I have to do. I want to carve some out each week so I can be creative. I want to use my TIME better.

So there you have it. We'll see where it takes me.

Fun on break

2010-12-22T13:42:00.002-05:00

Already I have a bunch of videos I could share of bouncing, sledding, snow angels, and general goofing off (not to mention 2 of our "pet" squirrel!). But this one just shows the joy they had on Day One of break. Watch it a couple times to keep an eye on both boys.

Into the Christmas spirit

2010-12-11T21:08:00.004-05:00

I have avoided listening to the radio station that play Christmas songs this year. I have stuck to the traditional favorite CDs that we have & am not disappointed to have missed "I want a hippopatamus for Christmas." In rotation has been Trans-Siberian Orchestra's "Christmas Attic," Roger Whittaker's Christmas Album, Domestic Problem's old Christmas CD, and tonight I broke out Bing Crosby & the Andrews Sisters. Oh yes, I was belting out the backup vocals with those ladies.

Anyhoo, we've also been trying to focus more on the "Reason for the Season" with our advent calendar and general discussions. Of course, Santa Claus is very exciting to a 3-year-old so we had to go see him this afternoon. We thought Roman would take it more in stride, but he was just as excited as his brother. Charlie asked for candy & cars; Roman asked for the Lego Hogwart's Castle (no way, it's $130!), a DSi-XL (no way, he already has a DS!) and a street hockey set (oh yeah, it's already ordered).

This coming week is a busy one in terms of Christmas fun - Thursday is Doug's work dinner party, and on Saturday Doug and I are going to Greenfield Village for our own special holiday night out, including the Eagle Tavern Dinner. Oh, heavenly yum!

The boys have been shaking packages under the tree and begging to open one. We keep telling them it's socks and underwear, but Roman is very smart & has already identified a book for himself, a video for Charlie, and Legos for himself. Thankfully, he can't read through the wrapping paper. Will have to start disguising next year.

All caught up, let December begin!

2010-11-27T16:37:00.002-05:00

This Thanksgiving weekend has been a Godsend. We were running at breakneck speed, just keeping up with daily life - appointments, meetings, even our pleasure events felt like they were flying at us and speeding by. It's amazing what a few extra days does for one's sanity.

Of course, it has helped that my boys have been AWESOME the past few days. I was home with them on Wednesday (no school for anyone) and it was a rough go, but we found our footing. Friday and today they have just been great - aside from the constant talking from not one, but both.

Thursday evening Doug and I hopped online and bought all of Roman's, and almost all of Charlie's, Christmas gifts. Thank goodness for Amazon.com. Free shipping helps too. Then Friday I went out to Toys-R-Us and got all but one last gift for Charlie. Got my parents' gifts purchased too. I'm way ahead of where I usually am - hopefully I can keep this up!

Christmas decor went up today too, and the boys were great with that. There are an awful lot of ornaments on the bottom 2 layers of the tree (and sometimes 3-4 on one branch, thanks to Charlie) but it looks like a family tree should. We had to rearrange the living room and we made the executive decision (again) to remove the tv from it. Not only did we want more room, but it's nice to have a room in the house that isn't for electronic entertainment.

Tonight I plan to put my feet up, get a scented candle going, and read a book. Or surf the Internet. Either way, I finally feel like I *can* do that and not feel stressed.

Picasso or a pain?

2010-11-06T21:05:00.002-04:00

Charlie has begun to express his creative side. On the floor, with a Sharpie.

On the wall, with a pink crayon.

Thank goodness for Mr. Clean Magic Eraser!

When it rains, it pours

2010-11-01T21:26:00.002-04:00

On Friday afternoon I opened the fridge to get Roman something to drink. When I tried to close the door, it wouldn't. It just hung there. Turns out that the washers that cause it to stay closedn & sealed had completely worn through. Luckily, I have a handy husband who spent $1.50 and fixed it.

Definitely lucky - because on Saturday he broke the washing machine. One load ran smooth, and when Doug tried to put the 2nd load in it started to fill and then "error." After a lot of time fiddling around, he thinks its the sensors. Whatever that means. So we had to order some online & we're without washer until at least Wednesday. And we hope that it IS the sensors, or there will be some scratch-and-ding shopping in our future.

Charlie - my normal

2010-10-20T21:47:00.003-04:00

I told someone the other day that Charlie was "my normal." He's really just a pleasure to spend time with. He's almost 3, and has the attitude that comes with that. Wants to do almost everything himself. He is happy most the time, which is how he's been since birth. Even the caregivers at daycare have mentioned this - he is just happy! His speech is getting better too. What we have noticed is that the beginning sounds of words don't usually get pronounced, and "s" definitely doesn't. Like "poon" instead of "spoon." Or "har" instead of "car." I do expect at some point he will need speech therapy, but I also hear him trying to say these sounds more and more.

He loves to help around the house. His favorite is unloading the dishwasher, naming everything that he hands to me. When in a good mood, he'll even help pick up his toys but they don't always end up where we want them to. We are about done with his stinky diapers, but he has absolutely no interest in the toilet. No shame, either. Tonight he just leaned back and started doing #2 at the dinner table.

There's funny stories with him every day, but they usually revolve around copying something Roman has done, so it's more difficult to explain. The way he says "actually" as in, "actually, no, I don't." Tonight we played "shopping at Kroger" and he loved doing the scanning of the food. The one thing that drives us crazy - WHY? Why, mama? Why, daddy? Even after we explain something, he asks why all over again. Argh! Roman never did that so it's all new to us. Anyway, the boy is adorable and we're loving watching him grow - and grow in his skills as a little brother, too.

hating to do what's best for my boy

2010-10-18T20:41:00.003-04:00

Doug wrote this title on his Facebook the other day, and I had to completely agree. Roman was needing an adjustment in medication, & that means more of it. He was bouncy again in class, going to the bathroom 3-4 times before lunch alone. Picking his scabs until they bled on his leg, arm, & now under his nose. Having meltdowns almost every day after school. Disorganized thought processes (not making much sense or connections) after dinner. So we had to up his ADHD med, his bipolar med, & adjust the times he takes them. If it doesn't work, we'll probably have to up his anxiety med too. Sooo....

We hate it. I hate having to give him medicine to be like other kids. For me to like him better. For him to function in society and be accepted. Yet what I love about our therapist is she is always on the lookout for cutting edge & even more "natural" therapies. Enter: neurofeedback.

Basically, it adjusts the "bad reaction" brainwaves to be "proper reaction" brainwaves. Completely passive. Takes between 20-60 sessions but apparently works great on ADHD, anxiety, and other things. Kids have been known to drop medications when done with it. I have a woman I work with who has already noticed a difference in her own kid's anxiety after 20 sessions. So we're very interested and thinking hard on it. The closest place that will take our insurance is in Ann Arbor, which means obnoxious drive times.

Meanwhile, we keep plugging along. I see some improvements - Ro is more freely telling me he loves me and showing me affection with hugs - but know that it is a long, long haul... lifelong, I suspect... to keep him balanced & functioning. The unfairness of it for Ro hurts me.

going out with the women

2010-10-15T21:26:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow morning I am going on an overnighter with the ladies from my mom support group through therapy. We all have adopted children who are, at some level, attachment-disturbed. I am excited and nervous about this opportunity. We have been seeing each other practically every other Monday since January and at some level I know them all intimately - and the other, whew, I barely know them at all personally. And I have always hated my initial personality - I am so shy that I think I come off as stand-offish. It's very hard for me to make friends and yet I want to badly.

Anyway, so it'll be a fun weekend but I'll have to work hard to try to break out of my reserved shell. Yes, people, those of you who have known me forever may be surprised at that! Cross fingers that things go well.

N, Y, & Z - the end!

2010-10-12T20:14:00.002-04:00

I really struggled with these letters. Not that I couldn't come up with ideas - it was settling on the idea that was the problem. Neighborhood came to me after I was thinking about it for awhile. I knew I wanted "yummy" but couldn't think of what to feature - and then threw ham in the slow cooker Monday and realized how much I loved it. And "zoo" for Z - of course. I thought it odd to end with a picture of a snow monkey though, so added a picture of myself to go with it.

So as I finish the alphabet book about me, I have lots more ideas. This past weekend I scrapped another 22 pages, plus finished my picture-a-day album (12 weeks were left). One of my more successful weekends. So now what? I think I'll finish a couple projects started in the spring and see where the creative spirit takes me!

T, W, & X

2010-10-06T22:29:00.001-04:00

Okay folks, this is the best I can do until after this weekend. I am spending Thursday packing my stuff for my terrific scrapbooking weekend with the girls!

what kind of alpha is this? C, S, U, V

2010-10-04T21:30:00.002-04:00

It's so crazy, gentle readers, I don't even know what letter I should be on anymore. Officially, today's class is the letter U. However, having missed C, N, & T I felt I needed to do a little catch-up. So I finally scanned in my C picture, and did U and V. Tomorrow I will go back to N hopefully (I've settled on "neighborhood" instead of "nap"), get my T picture taken ("teaching"), and maybe even W? I am going scrapbooking this weekend and I'd love to have all the pages printed out to show off to the ladies.

Q & R

2010-10-02T20:24:00.003-04:00

What a strange part of the alphabet. My idea for S, which is today, has to wait until tomorrow for a picture. My idea for T has to wait until Monday for a picture. I suppose I should just do U today, but I've got some books from the library I want to plow through, so I'm going to do that tonight instead! Enjoy Q & R.

N?, O & P

2010-09-29T20:56:00.002-04:00

N, like C, has turned out to be a stinker of a letter. I know what I want to do - how much I love naps - but the one picture I can think of is from 2004 & goodness knows where it is digitally. So, N has to wait & I moved on with O and P.

What a teacher deals with

2010-09-27T16:37:00.003-04:00

I don't usually enter into the teacher arguments. I know I'm fortunate to be home in the summer with my children. I know I appear to work less hours than office workers. I also truly enjoy my job, which means that it doesn't usually feel like work - again, I'm very fortunate indeed. But sometimes I wish I could really share what my day is like. I've seen those forwarded emails about what I *should* be worth monetarily and how I educate the world. But no lie - this is what I did today outside my normal job of being in the classroom and teaching:

1. helped a student clean out his locker, organize his binders, and admit that he needed help dealing with the load of work in seventh grade.
2. Empathized with a student as he discussed his upcoming foot surgery that would take him out of school for 2 weeks.
3. Talked to a mom on the phone about one of my assignments.
4. Emailed a dad about his student who is already failing multiple classes.
5. Counseled a girl who has panic attacks & yet wants to go to on our DC trip.
6. Email-conversed with girl's mom to discuss the issue.
7. Brief hallway meeting with principal on said panic-attack issue.
8. Attempted to convince a spaced-out student that he could not read his novel in the hallway instead of being in my class today. I don't know that I succeeded.
9. Emailed set of parents saying their son was not allowed to bring a novel to class anymore.
10. Had to discuss with student that his bodily function noises (burps, mostly) needed to be handled in a better way than out loud while I teach.

On any given day, getting #1 accomplished would be a good day for me. Today I played parent to a LOT of students. I think it's going to be one of those years.

Letters I through M

2010-09-26T22:14:00.003-04:00

Oh yes folks, I think I did actually fall off the face of the earth this week. You know how some weeks are so busy, you can only survive in your own little cocoon? And everything else in the world seems to be very far away. That was me. But I've resurfaced & have completed 5 more letters, in time to catch me up for tomorrow's letter - N - and I'm pretty sure it's going to be about taking a nap!

F, G, H - did I fall off the face of the earth?

2010-09-22T14:28:00.004-04:00

Charlie had some manly surgery done on Monday - outpatient, and he's feeling great - but I certainly fell behind on doing my pages. While waiting for the surgery I did have a chance to brainstorm a lot of ideas for my alpha book, so that has been helpful. Better yet - I is today, & I want to take a picture of my favorite ice cream. It calls for a trip to Baskin Robbins after dinner tonight!

letters D & E

2010-09-18T13:33:00.003-04:00

Yup, I know I missed C. The picture I wanted to use I had to scan in, and my scanner doesn't want to work with my laptop right now. I'll definitely get back to it though! I was able to put together both D & E during Charlie's nap today, so here they are! And now I'm back on track.

Continuing... the letter B

2010-09-15T21:39:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow, C, will be about cats. Maybe I'll even go with "crazy cat lady."

ABC Inspiration

2010-09-14T17:04:00.003-04:00

I began a class yesterday called "ABC Inspiration" over at Jessica Sprague's website, for digital scrapbooking. It's my first online class that I have paid for, and already I'm happy. Not only did the creator provide sets of red papers, blue papers, and "solid" (distressed) papers, she also designed 4 different templates and included 2 sets of word art. In my thinking today of the subject matter of the book, however, I decided to do something I'd always wanted but put aside - myself. It's going to be an ABC book all about ME. As yesterday was a "prep" day, today's page was "A." And here it is! It only took me about 20 minutes to do, and that's because I upgraded to Photoshop Elements 8 and am still learning the new format.

Roman (& Charlie) on football

2010-09-12T21:25:00.002-04:00

me: You know what's cool? You can play flag football all the way until you're 15. You don't have to do tackle unless you want to.

Ro: "That's good. Because I'm not really that kind of boy."

---------------------------------
me, before first game: Are you nervous?

Ro: "No. (pause)... Well, I kind of feel like Harry Potter right before his first Quidditch match."

---------------------------------
me: Charlie, do you see Ro-Ro out there?

Charlie: "HI ROMAN! HI ROMAN!"

everytime we cheer or clap...
Charlie: "YAY ROMAN! YAY ROMAN!"

A year of learning

2010-09-09T21:06:00.003-04:00

Roman has 2 days in his new classroom under his belt, and things are fine academically speaking. I had a chance to speak with his teacher yesterday after school & unlike most parents (so I've heard) I decided to take the high road and just commiserate as a fellow teacher how stressed she must be to have to set up a classroom in less than 24 hours. It's certainly not her fault the district is lame in adding a class at the last minute.

Socially speaking, I think Roman is going to have a harder time this year. He has no close friend in his class although he did know 3-4 kids. Roman is the kind who wants everyone to like him and there's a "mean" kid in his class who has been rude already, making fun of his shoes (which are totally cool, btw) on the playground. Roman takes everything personally so of course, this led to a meltdown this evening because he wanted new shoes immediately. It took awhile to get at the heart of the matter, and when he finally said what happened I wanted to cry for him. If only he could have an adult mind in his kid body, he could be his own person & be damned this stupid little kid. So we will attempt to empower him instead.

As for Charlie, he is loving his days at Ms. Gretchen's. He adores her, apparently has a little friend named Cooper that he plays trucks with, and is eating & sleeping well. Saves all his grumpies for us, I guess. I'm looking forward to this weekend to spend time with my boys - I've missed being around them!

why the drama?

2010-09-07T21:16:00.004-04:00

Monday night was really hard on Roman. He went to bed at 7:30 just to end the day and get on with school. But of course he had a hard time sleeping - up three times, ended up in our bed to fall asleep, took forever. Complained of a stomachache, headache, needed a Band-Aid, you name it. Charlie wasn't much better - he's had a cold the past few days so he's generally grumpy and at bedtime HE wants in our bed now, too.

Ro's first day of school was awesome, though - Charlie's too. We got home & I'm paging through Roman's zillions of handouts and I see one that says they've added a split class (1st and 2nd combined) because of the high number of students. I knew right then - Roman was selected. And sure enough, we had a message on our machine stating that Roman would begin in the split class tomorrow. So what do you know... he has no idea who is in his class, he knows nothing about his teacher, and he is already worrying about the get-to-know-you "homework" he was supposed to do for his first teacher, not even mentioning his class supplies in his OWN DESK. You can't underestimate the importance of his own desk, it was a highlight.

So I made a call to someone who is close to the principal, and she reassured me it was a matter of "finding bodies" and no slight against Ro that he's in a split. In fact, she reassured me that the teacher is very patient and while has good structure, understands "the trees as well as the forest." Meaning she counts kids as individuals. I suppose to Roman's benefit, as well, she has experience with IEPs (kids with special needs who have special plans) which we've wondered if Ro will need if the medications aren't enough.

Tonight was a watered-down version of last night, though - there's anxiety again. He has no idea who the other kids are who have been selected (15 2nd graders) and is concerned that his friends will consider him "out of sight, out of mind." I have decided to roll with God's plan but have a stomachache myself for him - nothing worse for an anxiety-prone child to have to do this all over again.

a weekend to catch our breath

2010-09-05T20:55:00.004-04:00

While traditionally we should be at the beach watching the boats from the Tri-State Regatta with my parents, or camping in Grand Haven with Doug's parents, we chose to stay home this weekend. We had a pretty busy summer coming & going to so many fun things. The past couple days have been nice to just spend as a family of 4. Yesterday we puttered around the house, doing yardwork & generally putting things away. There were a couple moments where we *gasp!* had nothing to do but watch the kids have fun. Amazing. Today we ran a couple errands but again, nothing too strenuous.

Doug came up with a fun idea for dinner tonight - I don't know how he got it in his head - but he wanted a "P" dinner. Everything had to start with P. We had pigs in a blanket, popcorn, peas, punch to drink (Doug had pale ale), & Doug also made a small bit of pork ribs for himself. Roman was sad it didn't include pears.

Tomorrow is our last day of rest. On the agenda is really, again, just things here & there. I want to get to the mall to get a good pair of grey pants... Doug has been thinking about taking Charlie's crib down... Roman would like to play with a friend. Charlie, of course, is happy just to be outside doing anything. And there it is, the last day before we plunge headlong into "normal" life again.

Fall is on its way

2010-09-01T21:18:00.002-04:00

Besides the aforementioned Halloween conversation, other things tell me that my favorite season is almost upon us. School, of course, being the biggest one. I went back to work on Monday and feel very unprepared for the school year. Lots of ideas but lots of things to do. It's horrible to feel behind before the school year even starts! I hope to get a lot of the computer-based stuff done this weekend.

Football has started... for Roman, anyway. I don't pay much attention to college or pro sports, but Ro had his first football practice on Tuesday night. He came home absolutely excited about it - showing me how to hold a football, throw it, and explaining (in somewhat confusing terms) the first couple plays he learned. So happy that he has shown interest in something that Doug loves too.

The boys head back to school as well. We had the "bounce back to school" fun time for Ro on Monday night, and there's an Open House for Charlie's daycare on Thursday evening. It's a good thing we have no plans for Labor Day, because this week is crazy! One thing I am looking forward to is Doug not working late once school starts. He told his work that he just couldn't put in the long hours once I returned to the classroom. Not sure how that will go down, but at this point they haven't fussed too much.

I have a tummyache this evening and I'm not sure what it's from. Again, I think it's the feeling of total unpreparedness I have. Hopefully I can get a handle on things tomorrow for the half-day we work. And then bid summer goodbye this weekend!

a Halloween conversation

2010-08-23T17:32:00.003-04:00

Driving past the temporary Halloween store on Aug. 23:

Roman: "Can we get my costume today?"

me: No.

R: "Why not?"

me: Because you haven't truly decided what you want to be, and I don't want you to change your mind after we buy something.

R: "I do know! I want to be a zombie ninja!"

me: A zombie ninja?

R: "Yes! Or, a Jedi. Or, anything else they have that I might like."

So he hasn't decided yet, but at least we've narrowed it down, eh? Charlie, on the other hand, hooted for a Buzz Lightyear costume at Toys R Us and has worn it around the house already. Clearly he knows his own mind. By the way, I Googled it & there is an actual "zombie ninja" costume. Wow.

Charlie pedals, Roman chants

2010-08-17T16:34:00.002-04:00

Continuing to encourage Charlie in his pedaling pursuits, Roman first modeled correct biking procedure while Charlie watched all summer. At this point, Roman was giving Charlie pushes from behind & chanting songs to encourage him. And then, all of the sudden.... Charlie pedaled!

Currently he pedals about three-fourths of the time, doing the "Flintstone" with his feet the rest. But he does love to be like big brother!

She's crafty... she's just my type!

2010-08-13T13:37:00.004-04:00

Here are some things I've been playing around with lately.

Covered a bare holder with coordinating papers.

spray painted a black candle holder brown.

Moved these items to a better canvas, updated the pictures, and hung.

Shelves in the dining room that can be really cool if I could just find the right things/positions.

I really enjoy doing & making things. Because I'm truly not that artistic, often a project doesn't turn out the way I visualize. But then I can keep tweaking things. And I love doing stuff for the house. If it were up to me, I'd be buying & playing around with knick-knacks all day long. And by no means are these things "done." I'm constantly thinking of changing colors or moving things or adding to it. But there is definitely more to come - I have a couple mini-albums I'd like to scrap (or at least put the paper on the pages!) and as our master bedroom has been painted a new color, I've got a couple of crafty ideas for in there too.

Highs & lows

2010-08-05T21:27:00.003-04:00

With Roman, the little victories mean a lot. Especially me, as he seems to have such trouble expressing his love & affection toward me. I sometimes wonder if it's there at all. He's definitely not securely attached to me. For example, what I usually get is what happened tonight. He's at his grandparents, and he called us at 9:15 because he was having a hard time falling asleep. And he told Doug, he realized why - "I didn't say goodnight to you." Not me - he didn't even ask for me - it was Dad. When I tell him I love him, as I did on the phone, I get the same reply - "okay." Can you imagine telling someone you love them daily and only getting an "okay" in response? Doug told him the same thing on the phone, and Roman of course replied "Love you too." It's clear where I stand. It's hard to not take this personally, but it's what I have to do. It's not me, it's my position as mother.

That's why I have to take the little things in a big way. Like when we were getting ready to go meet my parents & Roman spontaneously said, "I'm going to miss you." I don't think he's ever told me that before. And the other night, he cuddled next to me while watching tv even though his Dad was there too. I remember once someone told me that it was the parents' job to love the children, and to earn their love in return. But in a natural relationship, even with parent/child, there is affection that comes back to the parent. I hear parents say "Oh, isn't it wonderful" and how it's the "best job in the world" to be a mom or dad. They clearly get affirmation from their children in some way. I had never experienced that at all until Charlie came along. Spontaneous hugs, the attach-explore stage, running to a parent for comfort... all things Roman has never done. I hurt so badly for how damaged he is in that respect, and once in awhile I have a small pity party for me - because I live his damage now too.

After the vacation

2010-07-30T07:52:00.004-04:00

The vacation was very fun & Roman especially handled things very well. Only 2 small meltdowns, both easily calmed & controlled. This week has been VBS at church, which is more of a challenge. Charlie has fun, but he does not like being away from us for 3.5 hours a day while Ro and I participate in classes. And as much as I like older kids, I'm thinking of doing 3rd grade next year!

Roman finished his baseball season last night. His coaches did the best they could, but it certainly wasn't the learning experience we had hoped he'd have. Not sure what we'll do next year. Football starts in August. We got ourselves into an interesting situation with that. It's Roman's first time with flag, and apparently we signed up for the wrong league for an introductory season! The one we signed up with has practice 3x a week for 2.5 hours. Seriously. For 7-year-olds. We didn't discover this until we had paid the fee. The more we think about it (plus games on Sundays!) we are not ready to commit to this during the school year. So we are thinking of defecting to another league in the area, one that does practice 1x a week plus games. I can handle that. Just an expensive lesson learned.

Myself, I'm getting pretty tired of arranging doctor appointments. Roman and I are both on medication where we have to check in with a doctor at regular intervals. It's getting quite tiresome, because for family convenience we schedule in the afternoon - and Charlie naps from 1-3pm most days. so I end up hiring babysitters to cover almost every time I'm gone. I feel like I've spent the summer coordinating things - playdates, doctors, errands, babysitters. Looking forward to a respite in August, I hope.

Otherwise, we keep plugging along. I usually start thinking about school around this time, but this summer - not at all. I think being on a cart for yet another year, plus 3 of my 5 classes are electives, I'm feeling a bit... not excited. It's easy to blow it off if it doesn't really "count" you know? Ah well, another week or two and I'll start updating my parent letters anyway.

Kentucky Friday

2010-07-23T22:26:00.003-04:00

I'm sure you're not surprised to learn we went swimming this morning as soon as the pool opened at 9. Yeah. After that and an early lunch, the 3 oldest went to a kids' program. Charlie fell asleep in my lap at 11:30am after eating some mac & cheese. Really cute. When he awoke, Doug and I and C. went into Grand Rivers one more time to poke around. The 2 brothers & their wives went golfing, and parents-in-law also poked around here and there. We all met back up at the dock where the boys were feeding the turtles at the end of their program. We had a dinner of hamburgers and leftovers here at the condo, and ice cream to top off the week. Since we & the South Dakotans are heading out tomorrow morning for our homes, we went our separate ways to pack & organize, or in my case, track down the kids' stuff in two different condos & the car.

Tomorrow we load and it's a leisurely drive to Dayton, as Charlie can't do much longer in the car. And then home Sunday. As always at the end of a vacation, I wish we didn't have to go, but I look forward to getting home.

Kentucky Thursday

2010-07-22T22:14:00.003-04:00

Today was an interesting day. Doug went golfing with his 2 brothers & Serena, and Kathy offered to take the 3 older boys to a movie since it was a really hot day (no mini-golfing). Charlie & I went on our own adventure to the Nature Station. It was really fun, like a "Kentucky backyard" and we saw 4 different kinds of owls, bald eagles, vultures, a groundhog, deer, a bobcat, turkey, and the coolest - 2 red wolves (a very endangered species). Inside the Nature Station they had tanks with turtles, snakes, and flying squirrels, along with a kids' play area where you could examine animal skulls, skin, etc. and about 6 different pelts to touch. Charlie loved it.

We got back and after lunch, C. took a nap. And then the grumpies arrived. He woke up once yelling for me, but fell back to sleep. The second time he awoke he was just pissy. Crying at everything, changing his mind, whining, the worst. I took him for a golf cart ride and we went to look at the turtles by the restaurant, but he didn't want to leave when it was time so the crying and screaming started all over again. When everyone returned around 3pm from their varied pursuits, we all went swimming. C. was finally in a better mood. Roman is like a fish in the pool and loves doing tricks and practicing pushing off and doing jumps & "dives." Charlie has graduated to moving his arms and legs while we hold him under his armpits, and calling "I'm swimming!"

We went to Patti's 1880s Settlement for dinner. Very down-home country cooking but delicious. Another funny thing, this restaurant also allowed us to bring our own wine in but the waitstaff wasn't allowed to touch it. We had to bring our own opener and pay a dollar per wine glass. Anyway, it was a 2 hour meal but the kids were CHAMPS, seriously. Probably could've gotten a rousing game of cards going tonight but we are all tired from playing & digesting. I think we're all going to bed (9:20 local time!).

Tomorrow, our last full day here. The older boys are going to do a kids' program in the afternoon & I'm hoping to check out a couple antiques (crap?) stores in the area. Swimming of course, & dinner here in the condo to use up a lot of our food. Ice cream is planned in the town as a final sendoff.

Kentucky Wednesday

2010-07-21T22:08:00.003-04:00

Today began with a quick trip to Paducah to the Wal-Mart. I don't think we could get any more Kentucky-ish. We had a few things to pick up that the local IGA didn't carry. Roman did not go because Aunt Kathy offered to take the 3 older boys downtown on the golf cart & to check out the shops. Roman came back with a stuffed turtle named Mario, a smaller one for Charlie named Luigi, and Alek named his Yoshi (all names from Mario games). Not sure what Ian's turtle is named. All the boys are thrilled with them. I love boys who don't mind showing a little love for stuffed animals.

When we got back from W-M, I went with C & R to go swim with their cousins while Doug did some work. When we finished up and headed back for lunch, Scott & Serena had arrived from Atlanta. They went swimming with the boys AGAIN, while I decided to nap with Charlie for a couple hours. The afternoon brought... you guessed it... more swimming, then dinner out at the Yacht Club here on resort property. It was cool because even though it's a dry county, you can bring your own alcohol in and they will serve it. So we brought a couple bottles of red wine in. The food was great, I had shrimp. Yummy!

At the end of the meal, the waitress asked the boys if they'd like to feed turtles. Of course they would, so she brought out some stale rolls from the day before and led us out onto a little walkway by the kitchen. Below us in the bay were probably 75 to 100 turtles swimming around. It was so neat! By the end of this excitement, it was time for Charlie to hit the hay so we all headed back. I am now in our condo with the two boys while the rest of the adults party next door. I don't mind though, I make Doug do a lot of the kid stuff during the day while I chat. :)

Golf is on the agenda for tomorrow, 18 holes for 4 of them, mini-golfing for the rest. You bet I'm mini-golfing! As for weather, we haven't had any of the storms that appear to be passing by on the weather maps. It's been partly sunny or overcast, and humid every day. I start sweating just walking next door!

Kentucky Tuesday

2010-07-20T22:05:00.002-04:00

We decided to go adventuring today. We started at the north end of Land Between the Lakes National Park. As I was looking at the local brochure-map, something I had overlooked seemed to jump out at me - Fort Donelson National Battlefield! A Civil War battle site, just 40 minutes away! So we decided to head down there and work our way back up the LBL area. We did swing through the Elk & Bison Preserve, and we saw a herd of buffalo by a pond and 4 female elk. On our way out, just as hope was almost lost, we caught sight of a male elk with big, big antlers. Very cool!

We had packed a lunch and so we had a picnic before we headed into Fort Donelson. By the end of the first 3 stops, it was so blazin' hot that we decided to head back to the condo & swim, maybe stopping at the Nature Station on the way. Charlie, Roman, and myself all fell asleep so clearly there was no other stop! Once we got back to the condo, Roman went off to the beach with his cousins & we took Charlie to the indoor pool. Charlie is a fish! He is now jumping off the side into our arms, crab-crawling along the side back to the stairs, and actually was telling Doug to move so he could jump in without being caught. Not yet, mister!

Roman & cousins (and aunt & uncle) arrived at the pool, soon followed by Grandma, and I had a chance to read (gasp!) for a little. Happy Hour commenced around 4:30, followed by bbq chicken! Boys ask every night to be put to bed, they're so exhausted. I gave Roman a 15-minute warning for bed & his reply was, "I don't mind if we go now." Funny boys! Tomorrow will probably be a quick trip to Wal-Mart in Paducah (doesn't that sound very Kentucky-ish?) and then swimming all day again. The other aunt & uncle arrive tomorrow afternoon - more excitement!

Monday Kentucky

2010-07-19T09:17:00.002-04:00

Our place in Land Between the Lakes is very nice. It's a "loft condo" and our bedroom is in the loft area, which Roman loves. The deck is on stilts and overlooks the bay, which is cool. We watched turtles swimming around by the banks last night as burgers cooked on the grill. Very nice. But because we're on central time, Charlie woke up at 5:30 Central Time. Not cool.

The closest pool has a slide and is really really warm, not sure if that's condo or weather related. It's supposed to be high humidity and mid-90s through Wednesday. The boy cousins have begun playing like they just saw each other last week, not last Christmas. Although Charlie can't keep up with the older ones, and we all feel kind of bad for him.

In the Land Between the Lakes there is cool stuff like an 1850s settlement with costumed interpreters, a Nature Station, and a bison and elk preserve where they're trying to restore it to original landscape. Obviously need to check all that out. Today is just a matter of swim, explore, swim, hang out, and do not get in the car! Enough driving for a few days.

Charlie update

2010-07-16T14:06:00.001-04:00

Charlie has been following Roman around all summer. He imitates Roman doing everything. His speech is coming along really fast now, with sentences being the norm now (although often leaving some words out). The connections he makes are pretty amazing. He is Opposite Boy when it comes to food & activities, liking everything Roman did not (& vice versa). One thing he did insist on, however, was a temporary tattoo. Roman has a sheet of them that he occasionally uses. He let Charlie have a tiger on his left forearm. When Charlie went to bed that night, he was crying & babbling. I went in and finally figured out – he wanted 2 more tattoos, one on his right hand and one on his right forearm. I had to promise he’d get one in the morning for him to finally calm down!

He had his first playdate this past Wednesday with Allie, the little sister of Roman’s friend. He was SO excited to play in their playroom & on the playscape in their yard. He also likes when Roman’s friends come over, as he thinks he gets to play with them too. Sometimes the friends will find him amusing, sometimes not.

While I had wanted to do a class or something with Charlie, I just couldn’t find the right one at the right time. I’ve tried to take him places that he could learn from then, like Domino’s Farms. We did a lot of swimming at my cousin’s over the 4th of July too. As he is Opposite Boy, he loves being outside in the sandbox, in the kiddy pool, blowing bubbles, even just wandering around and looking at bugs. Aside from the temper tantrums & limit-pushing, the boy is at a great age.

Roman update

2010-07-15T13:19:00.000-04:00

Roman has had a busy & fun summer, according to him. He got to stay at his grandparents’ in SJ for a few days with me & Charlie, and he is also in Lego Camp this week in the mornings which he loves. Baseball continues every Thursday until the end of July, and while no real skills are being learned Roman still likes the sport and has definitely improved over last year. He has had lots of playdates with different friends & done errands with me with little complaining. Also, we got the game Lego Harry Potter for the Wii, so with any extra time he beats it downstairs to do a level.

On the internal side, Roman is struggling with an increase in anxiety. He has always struggled with separation, continuing to have nightmares about being “stolen” & asking lots of questions about what would happen if there was a tornado, if I had an allergy attack at a barn we visited, things of that nature. This anxiety has now extended to outside, where he basically refuses to play unless he’s on a bike. He will not go in the backyard because of bees & will not go to the park unless everything is inspected first – for bees, of course. Because this is interfering with daily life, we spoke with dr. who prescribes his meds & we started a new one. Hopefully it will work and in my words, be a “pill that will make him go in the backyard.”

He has much more to look forward to this summer – vacation next week where he sees his cousins from South Dakota, VBS, another few days with his cousin Eli at grandparents’ house, a trip to a fair, & another week-long camp locally. All that plus preparing, at some point, to start second grade! He has already picked out the backpack he wants.

A letter from the American flag.

2010-07-01T21:53:00.001-04:00

Some people call me Old Glory, others call me the Star-Spangled Banner, but whatever they call me, I am your flag; the flag of the United States of America.

I remember some time ago people lined up on both sides of the street to watch the parade, and naturally, I was always there, proudly waving in the breeze.

When your daddy saw me coming, he immediately removed his hat and placed it over his heart. Remember? And you, I remember you standing there straight as a soldier. You didn’t have a hat, but you were giving the right salute.

Remember your little sister? Not to be outdone, she was saluting the same as you, with her hand over her heart. Remember?

What happened? I’m still the same old flag. Oh, I have added a few more stars since your grandparents were children, and a lot more blood has been shed since those parades of long ago. But I don’t feel as proud as I used to. When I come down your street, you just stand there with your hands in your pockets. I may get a small glance, but then you look away.

I see children running around and shouting. They don’t seem to know who I am. I saw one man take off his hat and look around. He didn’t see anybody else with his hat off, so he quickly put his back on. Is it a sin to be patriotic? Have you forgotten what I stand for and where I’ve been? Omaha Beach, Guadalcanal, Korea, Vietnam, and the Persian Gulf.

Take a look at the memorial honor rolls sometime. Look at the names of those who never came back in order to keep this republic free. One nation under God. When you salute me, you are actually saluting them.

Well, it won’t be long until I’ll be coming down your street again. So, when you see me, stand straight and place your right hand over your heart. I’ll salute you by waving back. And I’ll know that you remembered.

Why summer is kind of cool

2010-06-24T13:33:00.004-04:00

I'm apparently into lists, because in my head I was thinking of what to blog and it was another list. Bulletpoints are great. So... why I think summer is kind of cool.

We have a great big tree in our front yard that shades the deck. And no matter how hot it is, it's shady & cool on that deck.

Roman can have playdates on any day. No school nights to beware of! And if I do it right, like right now, Roman can have a more-quiet friend over while Charlie naps & I get precious time to myself.

If I grab the hose & "accidentally" get the kids & myself wet, it's okay. We have all day to dry off.

Charlie can go in just a diaper and it's acceptable.

If I feel like going to a store, I can just go. No narrow window between work & school pickup & dinner making.

I have the patience to do a craft with the kids. And they think it's fun.

A slight downside - I take pictures of everything. And then want to scrap it. And can't find the time! But I do have the space in my mind to think about scrapbooking.

By pictures of everything, I mean even the chipmunk that we saw crawl up to the bird feeder. Because we haven't seen chipmunks around here on account of the neighborhood cats, & we named him Alvin, and we wonder if he's friends with Jumpy the Squirrel who lives in our tree, and Jumpy has a girlfriend & I want a picture of her...

Fourth of July is my favorite holiday.

Sweeter white wine or Mike's Hard Lemonade just tastes soooo good.

Strawberries, blueberries, & watermelon. Had 2 of the 3 for lunch today!

My hopeful to-do list

2010-06-22T12:53:00.004-04:00

Things I'd like to get around to, or even possibly complete, by August 31:

Get into the "39 Clues" series

See Eclipse & Toy Story 3

Clean out the 2nd closet in Charlie's room

Get our master bedroom (finally!) stripped of wallpaper

Go out to Kensington MetroPark a couple times

Spend a day with Roman & Charlie individually

Finish up the 2009 Project 365 album

Scrapbook a few more pages

Declutter the house

Spray-paint a couple items for fun

And always on the list: Laugh a lot with these adorable boys.

A boy who is seven.

2010-06-12T21:30:00.002-04:00

Happy seventh birthday, Roman. We love you so very, very much.

the creative side

2010-06-03T21:41:00.004-04:00

I have been wanting to make cards for awhile now, but have never been pleased with the results when I attempted it with paper. You'd think it'd be just like scrapbooking on a smaller scale, but the cute things I saw just never translated when made by my hands. I began to see it as a chore, and so went back to buying dollar-store cards for the past year. And then...

At the scrapbooking convention there was a place that sold digital card templates. Don't ask me why, but it never occurred to me to make the cards on my computer and print them. I bought it on the spot and have now made 2 cards, one with a template and one without. And I enjoyed it! In fact, I was excited to make them and had fun playing around with it. Looking forward to making a couple for Father's Day, too, not to mention Roman's birthday next week! Now the only problem is finding the time to be creative.

...a cruel, cruel summer...

2010-05-31T21:14:00.002-04:00

Lyrics of an old song that dashed through my head today as I attended to my family's needs. Charlie is really coming into his own and it's great to see - except I am reminded that I really hate "two." There's lots of demanding and no understanding. Can Mama have 30 seconds to finish this article in a magazine that she's tried to read 4 times today? NO! "Mama play!" is heard. And we're not just talking the 2-year-old with that one.

Because of many reasons, I seem to have hit the wall of not wanting to play with Roman. But my support group helped me realize that it's not playing with Roman - it's playing Legos with Roman that I can't stand. I would play card games, baseball, what have you... but I just can't stand role-playing stuff with him. This stretches all the way back to Thomas the Tank Engine. Perhaps because I always did it by myself, I don't get the need to constantly have someone interacting. But anything I could do now with Roman is hampered by the 2-year-old wanting in on it, too.

So I realized that my summer is going to be one of those. Charlie will demand more of my attention when it's the two of them playing... and when he naps, Roman will need my undivided attention. Which leaves not much leftover for say, reading a few pages in a book or doing some Internet surfing to calm my brain. I think it'll be the kind of summer where I dread it, but in the end will find it was one of the most enjoyable because I'll be immersed with the boys. I mean, they're both at an age where we can do fun things - Charlie will "get" and learn so much from what we do, and Roman is so much more intelligent every year. I just need to find activities where both of them won't wear me out!

Finding a decent babysitter

2010-05-25T21:00:00.010-04:00

Who wouldn't babysit for this kid? What a mug.

Since we go to therapy every Tuesday evening (not to mention every other Monday Doug golfs & I have support group), we have had to find a babysitter for Charlie who was willing to keep the weekly date. Our people of choice are jobless teens from our church. We started with Mike, who was successful for many months until he got a job. Darn this economy! We moved on to his brother, who only worked out for a couple weeks until HE got a job. Luckily we were tipped off to another church family whose eldest son is also jobless & interested in babysitting. He has been with us about 6 weeks now and is working out well. We did have a conflict this week, so he introduced us to his girlfriend Anna, who came with him last week & then sat for Charlie tonight. And of all the sitters we've had, Charlie seems to have fallen for Anna.

We had been wanting to encourage boys (as you may have noticed) because Roman especially likes to play "boy" stuff & we thought it'd be good. But Charlie is still in the crush stage I think, and Anna seems to fit the bill. He talked about her for days last week, and when she came tonight she earned the coveted "Anna, come!" complete with hand gesture to call her over to play. He grinned at her, said "Anna play!" and all was right with the world.

The problem lies herein - because we have a sitter once weekly, sometimes twice, for "business" we feel slightly guilty about going out on our own for pleasure. A babysitter for a third night in a week? Not even to mention the price. Not to mention that we would like to start going out occasionally with just Charlie and doing things with him. Roman said he wouldn't mind that which is curious - until we realized that he has fallen under Anna's spell too. But who wouldn't fall for our Russian gang member here? :)

When I just can't explain it.

2010-05-18T21:30:00.003-04:00

I have to steal words from others to get you in the emotional place to understand our relationship with Roman. This is courtesy of our therapist, who posted this as a preview to an article she sent a group of us:

I know you have heard… “He’s just so cute and seems so sweet.” Or, “She behaves so wonderfully for her teacher.” Better yet, “I don’t ever see any misbehavior!” Comments such as these, for a parent struggling to develop a relationship with an attach disturbed child, is not just a slap in the face but reaches inside and takes a tight hold on those growing roots of fear. “It must be me?” “What am I doing wrong?” How do you explain this phenomenon, this abstract concept of ‘being attached’? How do you explain that what is being experienced when rebuffed by a child, your child, is something nearly unexplainable? How do you express the intimate loneliness, the loss of reciprocity so innate that it should be effortless?

Roman wants me so badly that he pushes me away. I'm sure that only makes sense to a few of you reading. He hates needing a mom - and he hates having to depend on parents. He has verbalized to me, in deep sobbing moments, that when I get angry at him he expects me to get rid of him. He gets so emotional, and so "over the edge" with his emotions, that he told us tonight he felt like he was going to die (in the throes of a rage) because his emotions were so strong. It's hard trying to parent a child like this. It's exhausting... it's lonely...

It's a lot of work. Imagine planning for an emotional outburst a week before Event A happens. Or some random change in the schedule means a half-hour meltdown & helping him deal with it later. I know you can't, gentle readers. But we (all of us) as parents of attachment-issue kids begin to suffer Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder ourselves. We emotionally flinch when we hear a tone of voice or certain words. We avoid doing things that "regular" families do because we know what it would mean later (grocery store? Too stimulating! Something unusual or special on a school night? Dysregulation for 2 days afterward).

So sure, we smile & say everything's fine & we're doing okay. Because I know my attempts at trying to explain life with Roman will never make sense to others.

a grocery store for working parents

2010-05-13T16:51:00.006-04:00

I have just concocted a new business idea. A grocery store for working parents that labels their aisles a little more clearly. I just spent 15 minutes wandering around Kroger because I couldn't find Hamburger Helper. Why the heck is it in the "canned goods & rice" aisle? Another pet peeve is tomato sauce vs. pizza sauce vs. spaghetti sauce. Why can't they all be in the same place? Tomato sauce is in the canned vegetable aisle, while spaghetti sauce is near the pasta, and pizza sauce - sometimes I can't even find it. And don't even get me started on Manwich or canned chili.

I think they should label things more obviously. "Boxed dinners" aisle. This would include mac & cheese, Hamburger Helper, etc. How about a "Cans & Jars" aisle, so there's only one place I need to go? The "Food to pack in a lunch" aisle would include pb & j, those to-go cups of fruit, applesauce, etc.

I think this would be a hit. I can't be the only one whose brain organizes this way, am I? And people wonder why Doug does the grocery shopping around here.

Out of sight, out of mind

2010-05-11T21:49:00.004-04:00

Man, has it been awhile since I've been here. I think about posting every few days but am so exhausted. End of the school year, students had projects I was furiously grading, you know... excuses, excuses. Here are the highlights of the last couple weeks:

CHARLIE
Charlie can drink out of a regular cup. He's very proud of himself, too.
Charlie also loves to eat his boogers. Complete with a satisfied "Mmm!" as he sticks his finger in his mouth.
We went to the Blossomtime Parade in my hometown a couple weekends ago and Charlie loved it. He appeared to like the floats best, as well as the characters in the cars like Elmo, Big Bird, & Ronald McDonald.
Charlie would survive on oatmeal if we let him. It's his request for every meal. Apple Cinnamon or Dinosaur Eggs (maple/brown sugar). He even dreams about it - we heard him call out the other night in his sleep, "oatmeal!"
His greatest desire is to be outside in the backyard. Not even the suggestion of a bath will bring him inside anymore.
He adores his big brother & imitates absolutely everything he does, and says. Which is sometimes pretty amusing.

ROMAN
Ro started coach-pitch baseball last weekend & even got a hit. He wants to go practice in the backyard every evening now, and he prefers to bat. Still struggles with throwing & catching. This works out well since little brother wants to be outside as well.
Roman has worked out a way to play Quidditch (a game in Harry Potter) in our backyard complete with goal areas, pretend brooms, Quaffle & Bludger. Haven't figured out how to get the Snitch to fly yet.
Roman has finally branched out into cheeseburgers from fast-food restaurants.
His best buddy, who lived across the road, moved to a different neighborhood last weekend. This has caused much sorrow for Roman & a slightly challenging adjustment in our home life.
Ro's favorite part about the parade was the Indianapolis Police motorcycle precision team.
School continues to go well for Ro, and he gets a "good behavior" stamp every day now.

As for Doug and I? We celebrated 10 years of wedded bliss last Thursday. We went out to dinner without kids, and have made plans to get away for TWO WHOLE NIGHTS in August without the kids. That will be the first time since mid-2004. Yeah, I think it's time.

Golf season has started for Doug and he happily plays one night a week. He tested for his green belt in tang soo do this past weekend & passed! So he's officially "6th gup." He's also doing serious research into concrete & garage prices, as we have to apply for a variance to our city to build a 2-staller.

Me, I am close to counting the days until summer vacation. It's been a rough second semester and the 8th graders have gone off the edge - they're checked out. Because of strange retirement goings-on in the state legislature it's been difficult for my principal to do a schedule for next year, but from what I hear I will have it's not bad. Still on a cart, though. I sure would love to have a room again. Next year will be my 7th year on a cart. Now that swimming is over I've been branching out into crafts again. Am considering taking up needlepoint (less concentration with kids than cross-stitch) and am happily playing with scrapping & card templates on the computer.

Busy physically & emotionally

2010-04-27T21:54:00.003-04:00

This is always a crazy time of year. Doug's birthday, my birthday 4 days later, our anniversary (10 years this year!) a week after that. Throw in a scrapbooking convention that I attend every year, Mother's Day, and various other family birthdays, and it's a wonder I can keep anything straight!

This is also the time of year when Doug's golf league starts every Monday, baseball starts up for Roman in another week or two, and generally Charlie wants to be outside in the sandbox every. single. day. Throw in some weekly therapy to keep us all sane, a moms' support group every other week, and again - it's a wonder I can keep anything straight!

The boys are fabulous, except when they're... not. Charlie is really showing signs of having inherited my temper, and being 2 doesn't make it any easier. Tomorrow night we have an appt. with the Early On specialist to do his regular 6 month followup for his speech delay. We definitely are noticing improvement and some progress but how much, we're not sure. It'll be nice to double-check our goals with her. Charlie is also obsessed (when not talking about the sandbox) with Skype. We skyped with my brother the other night & the cousins got to talk - now he mentions my nephew's name every day. It goes like this: "Talk Baba? Eli? ELI! Talk? Skype?" Honestly, he does say something a lot like "skype."

Roman got his 3rd quarter report card and it was awesome. He is doing well in all areas, just a couple spots we need to work on (handwriting, reading strategies). His behavior report was completely opposite of what we've gotten used to - clearly the meds are working. We do therapy once a week and I believe he's making good progress there, too. He is able to look at pictures of us in Russia without getting dysregulated, has mentioned he'd like to learn the language, & generally is working on expressing his feelings to us without shame. Tonight was a hard one, he had a meltdown (we're not sure why) which, an hour later, brought us all to tears. It was tough going & emotionally draining, but Doug and I really experienced some feelings we had not fully acknowledged before about what we missed when Roman was in Russia. Good stuff.

Tomorrow is my birthday, which of course is terrific (today accompanied by my own adoption thoughts). I'm not bothered by my age, although when I look in the mirror it explains a lot of those weird skin & weight changes I've been having! It won't be thrilling - work & the Early On appt. kind of takes care of that - but Doug mentioned having to wrap presents (note the plural!) so I'm looking forward to that.

What's new?

2010-04-18T21:37:00.003-04:00

So many cute, funny things occur that I think, "I should blog about that!" but then the moment is gone when I finally sit down to the computer at night. And much of it is funny in the moment. For example, Roman made a prayer box at Sunday School this morning. I asked him, "so do we write down a prayer & put it in the box?" "THANK you!" he says emphatically from the backseat. Apparently I was the only one who "got it." It's just funny to hear him speak like a grownup.

And Charlie - my gosh, is he in caveman-speak now. Simple 2-word sentences mostly, although "up with Mama" or "up with Daddy" is what we hear the most. Where did something go "Ro-Ro go? Car go? Daddy go? Nemo go?" ad nauseum. And speaking of Ro-Ro, he said Charlie is the only one who is allowed to call him that anymore. Sheesh. Charlie also gets his feelings hurt by his Daddy often - like when he plays with the dirty dishes while trying to load the dishwasher, Doug got frustrated and said "Charlie, just go away!" Charlie came crying to me repeating "Daddy go away!"

The new "it" thing in first grade are Squishies, little rubber animals that go on the top of a pencil. Ro and I made a trek to the mall today and I agreed to let him buy a couple (25 cents each!). All 3 dispensers were empty. They are a hot commodity - apparently the kids trade them. Roman has a lion, parrot, & hippo that he's very proud of.

I finish swim season this Wednesday and am pleased to do so. Late practice is hard, as on a good day I get home around 6:30pm. Doug's birthday is next weekend, and mine a few days after, so there's excitement all around. I have finally purchased a couple new pair of pants & freshened my solid color t-shirt collection for the spring/summer... all I need now is a new pair of sandals. Everything else as normal as ever around here. :)

Russian adoption in the news, again

2010-04-10T20:59:00.002-04:00

If you haven't heard about the 7-year-old whose adoptive mother sent him back to Russia, you should check it out. It's horrible. My heart aches for the boy - and the mother. Granted, she's an idiot for just sending him back - legally he's her child for goodness sakes! But information I saw in the first story (which I haven't seen repeated) is an interview with a psychologist stating that adoptive parents are not prepared for the psychological wounds that many adoptees have. We truly cannot appreciate the backgrounds many of these kids come from, or the neglect or abuse they have suffered.

I can only imagine what life must've been like in that home. A woman at her wit's end, a child so needy & damaged. What had this child seen & experienced? Clearly the woman was not prepared for it. Of course, she should have been prepared for anything & everything. However, I must admit even Roman's behaviors have made me think more than once "What the hell have we gotten ourselves into? Why did we adopt?"

I read a post on a blog the other day (sorry, don't have the link) where the adoptive mom was explaining how she felt all international adoptees have "special needs" - some are physical, but almost all have special needs emotionally. If only all adoptive parents acknowledged that! It makes me sad wondering how many other families are struggling in this kind of situation and don't have the information or help available, and are on the edge of just plain giving up.

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T09:01:00.005-04:00

Roman was up first around 7am and found the note from the Easter Bunny, detailing which eggs were his and which were Charlie's. After a hunt which included shoes & the chandelier, Roman settled in to build his Lego tank the Bunny brought.

Soon after, Charlie awoke & Roman was thrilled to assist him in finding his eggs. Charlie liked the hunt too, but was so excited about the ocean toys that the Bunny brought that he gave up after a few eggs, so Roman finished the hunt for him.

Charlie likes dumping the jellybeans out of the plastic eggs and feeding them to the rest of us. His report on them is "yucky." Roman has done a good job of controlling his candy intake. We're preparing for church now, with ham, au gratin potatoes, & cake as our noonday "dinner." I think Doug will take Ro out later to see "How To Train Your Dragon" and otherwise it will be a stick at home day!

While on a walk

2010-04-03T08:17:00.001-04:00

Charlie, pointing at bird: "Chicken!"
me: "That's a robin. That bird is a robin."
Charlie: "Robin."
me: "Yes, a robin."
...5 seconds later...
me: "What kind of bird is that, Charlie?"
Charlie: "Peacock!"

All sunshine & rainbows!

2010-03-29T22:13:00.004-04:00

Well, not always. But I am trying to keep calm & see the sunny side of things. So my new banner is my current favorite digital scrapbooking supplies. It's called "Happy Go Lucky" by Shabby Princess. I love her stuff. The font is also my current favorite font, "Be Safe." It's a replica of Edward's handwriting from Twilight. Oh, yes.

I've been in a retrospective mood this week, as it's the 5-year anniversary of Roman joining our family. All the dates go by, starting with March 25 & ending April 1, and I can remember what we were doing every day. March 25 at 4pm was our court date. March 26 we visited the baby home like always. Same as March 27, but we also went sight-seeing with Dima that afternoon. March 28 was what people refer to as "Gotcha Day" - we don't, we just call it when we were able to bring Roman with us. I will never forget that car ride away from the baby home. The mixture of emotions I had - with him snuggled between Doug and I in the back seat, overwhelming joy & overwhelming sadness at taking him away from all he'd ever known, and the city he was born in - made me silently cry practically all the way back to our hotel. March 29 - plane ride back to Moscow. March 30 - sight-seeing in Moscow. March 31 - appt. with doctor in Moscow. April 1 - fly home!

Seemingly unrelated to my musings on our 5 year acknowledgement, I changed a picture in our 8x10 frame in the living room. Like my mom, I save all the other pictures behind it to see a progression. And behold, the growth of our family in 8 pictures:

Strangely, the way I arranged it you have to start in the lower right hand corner and then go up and down to the upper left hand corner. Our wedding (coming up on our 10 year anniversary!), Roman at 1 year, 18 months, seeing Thomas for the first time (we won that picture for free!), first church photo, addition of a brother!, and then this past year's family picture. Just amazes me, all that can happen in 5 years.

Charlie sings!

2010-03-19T09:10:00.004-04:00

While Roman is just as adorable and wonderful as Charlie... he isn't thrilled to have his picture taken and he rarely will pause for a video anymore. So here's more of Charlie! On one of the days Charlie was "suspended" from daycare I started singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and was surprised to hear Charlie trying to sing along. I ran for the camera and got him almost cooperating with me to sing it again. What does it matter? He's just darn cute to watch anyway.