Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The emotional roller coaster ride

I haven't yelled at Doug for anything stupid (yet), but I burst into tears at the slightest things. The smallest events that before would not even phase me, cause me to break down into torrents of grief. Weird. Wish I had the emotional highs that go with this form of manic depression, but alas...

I am getting more excited about the impending baby. I don't think I'll ever be one that is THRILLED (as everyone keeps saying I should be). Perhaps because it was unplanned and really, really not expected. I feel bad, because I know that Doug is really excited. Even Roman is coming around, and Rebekka thinks everything is great about it. Here is what I think when people say "aren't you just THRILLED?!"

No. I've got a growing parasite that is wreaking havoc on my body, one that I never planned on having and frankly, was okay with not having. I spend much of my time obsessing over miscarriage and Downs Syndrome, amongst other genetic abnormalities, because I don't know squat about my own medical history. Did you know every 1 in 150 children are now born with a form of autism? My ligaments are stretching, so says my doctor, which caused me such pain yesterday morning that I doubled over and couldn't walk, not to mention tie Roman's shoe. I want to either eat or sleep every moment of the day. And I want more Coke than 12 oz. a day. And we have nothing in the house that will fit a newborn, and we have no accessories in the house for a newborn, so just when we thought we were going to be financially ahead for once now that Roman will be out of daycare, we have to buy formula and diapers all over again. (and the ever-present thought: why should I be thrilled? Because adopting was the substitute?)

Okay, fit over.

In other very sad, emotional news, which probably led me to post the above, I have just scheduled the cats to be put to sleep next Wed. the 19th at 4pm. Their wetting around the basement has increased, leading to ruined seat cushions and actual peeing next to Roman's toys. We can't have a baby on the floor when there are puddles to dodge.

I am now going to drink a Coke, have a pb&j sandwich because I can't go more than 2 hours without food, and take Roman to a bookstore. Where I will buy a book of baby names. Because really, it is kind of neat that we're having a baby.


pmfh said...

Ah, you with your honesty!

And you *have* a family, so it's not like being a mom is all brand-spanking-new to you -- other people might just be catching on to that, though...

Plus, it sounds like you're getting it pretty rough on the physical side effects end, which can give one's cheerful nature a right good kicking.

So you should call my lovely bride early and often so you two can share your fragments of sanity between you. *grin*


wmw said...

Yeah, see, that's the thing... We had nothing but excited support from everyone important to us all the way through our adoption. And yet...I just wonder if I had/ever do become pregnant how reactions would compare and how I'd handle being supposed to be thrilled when I'd be TICKED. Of course we have different issues behind that.

We shall see if some extendeds react differently to PMFH's news than ours...though as I said they were quite good to us.